twiinklex ❤

Bad decisions make good stories. And I always have a good story.

Tag: quote

Houston, we have a problem

May 02, 2018 / 1:18AM

Well, I have a problem anyway. With alcohol, that is. Actually I have many problems but one at a time, yeah? Rome was not built in one day.

It’s just that I realised how so many of the books I’ve read recently have troubled characters who use alcohol as a coping mechanism. All they do is drink and drink to excess, regardless of the time and venue. Which got me to thinking about myself… because I totally understand how they feel.

The Flight Attendant Chris Bohjalian quote

Everyone who drank the way she did had a reason, she supposed. — The Flight Attendant, Chris Bohjalian

Hell yes there is a reason. There always is. Since this is my blog, I shall at least have the self-respect to be honest here. I drink because deep down, I feel unhappy. Despite what I possess and have achieved, regardless of whatever, there is always a deep-rooted unhappiness within me. There always has been.

Sometimes I forget about it. Sometimes I feel more happy than depressed. But it’s always there. And I continue to make myself feel worse by partaking in unhealthy activities like drinking and getting involved with toxic people. Because I so desperately want these short-term solutions to fix everything and make me feel better. Except that they can’t. But a quick fix is better than no fix at all.

Some wounds go so deep they become woven into the fabric of our lives. Scar tissue will eventually start to form but the wounds never totally heal. We are never quite the same. We let the sharp edges of our past pains serve as warning signs for our future. We all wear our pain differently. Some deny the pain entirely as if it’s not there. Some mask the pain with other things, people, and places. Some try to numb the pain through personal vices. How you choose to deal with your pain will often determine how long you suffer.
The Truth Is Time Doesn’t Always Heal All Wounds

I don’t want to be defined by a single experience but fact is pain changes people. I know I haven’t been the same since three years ago when what my friends call The Apocalypse and what I know as The Great Depression happened. It’s been ages but I still feel as fucked up. I moved on from the person but I cannot move on from the ordeal, from what I went through, from the pain and brokenness.

Now I keep gravitating towards the same kind of person and relationship. They are all the same: Toxic, illicit, forbidden, frowned upon, emotionally damaging, mind-fucking, ticking time bomb, will never go anywhere, guys who don’t give a shit about me beyond my body and looks, etc. Don’t you think I am aware? I am but yet I keep doing it. And one of these days I’m gonna get badly burned again.

Thought Catalog drinking quote

I drink because I want to forget, I want to feel numb, I want to feel nothing, I want to stop thinking and feeling. Except that I can’t forget. I can’t forget what was done to me, and how I was treated like less than a person, like an object.

I got triggered a few days back. Someone told me that I was cringing and grimacing and looked scared, that I usually come across as so nonchalant and that was the first time he had seen me so scared. And I didn’t realise I had kinda frozen up and was biting my nail and lip until I snapped out of it.

That’s the physical and exterior reaction. Internally, my mind was distressed and trying to dissociate in an attempt to protect itself. Trying to force back down unpleasant, ugly memories. Mentally telling myself to calm the fuck down (and failing).

Actually it happens quite often but it’s the first time someone has pointed it out to me. And the realisation makes me feel even more messed up.

Eleanor Oliphant Is Completely Fine quote

I yearned for that brief, sharp feeling I get when I drink it — a sad, burning feeling — and then blissfully, no feelings at all. — Eleanor Oliphant Is Completely Fine, Gail Honeyman

True, except they left out the part about how everything comes crashing back to you tenfold after the alcohol wears off. Fuck alcohol for being a depressant. It’s nice to not feel anything even if it’s fleeting though. In that few moments, at least I can escape.

On the bright side, I am no longer the crying drunk I used to be, passing out and injuring myself half the time. Now I just pretend I am fine, binge-drink faster than I should, realise I am actually, really not fine, feel sad and start babbling about things that I claim not to care about, and then drift off.

Drift off into blackness. Not passed out. Just drifting and pretending not to be aware of what’s going on around me, pretending not to know that there are people who will jump on the opportunity to take advantage of my vulnerable state, pretend I am dead.

I know that I am putting myself at risk every time I drink till the state of numbness, but it’s hard to care about what else happens to you when you feel like the worst thing has already happened. Yes even back then, I knew that wasn’t true, it’s not the worst thing that can happen to a person. I just felt like it was. Maybe I still do.

Nobody knows the whole story, but the next time before you intentionally hurt or abuse someone, think again. Some wounds last forever. Some scars don’t fade.


Fangirling post because I have read so many good books recently. Finished Lang Leav’s Memories as well as Milk and Honey by Rupi Kaur today.

george rr martin reader quote

Finished Storm of Swords not long ago and it was so brilliant!! No wonder everyone says it’s the best book in the A Song of Ice and Fire series. Never thought I would be so hooked but the whole new universe that George R.R. Martin has created is simply beyond incredible.

Storm of Swords starts off with the White Walkers attacking The Night’s Watch and there’s my favourite Daenerys in Astapor scene too but it is the second half that is CRAY CRAY.

Red Wedding > Ygritte dies (“We should have stayed in that cave” omg everything sucks) > Barristan reveals himself to Daenerys (really didn’t see this coming cos it was different in the show) > Purple Wedding > Jon battles the wildings > Tyrion’s trial > The Mountain versus The Red Viper > Jon is Lord Commander > Lysa and the Moon Gate > Lady Stoneheart appears

My jaws dropped at the ending. At a lot of scenes actually. Even though I roughly know what will happen from the show, the writing is damn mind-blowing. Love how Needle is re-introduced!!! I didn’t even realise it was Needle at first… then the reveal is like WOOOO.

He wore three blades on his belt, Arya saw; a longsword on his left hip, and on his right a dagger and a slimmer blade, too long to be a dirk and too short to be a sword.

[Paragraphs later]

Arya went to Polliver and knelt in his blood long enough to undo his swordbelt. Hanging beside his dagger was a slimmer blade, too long to be a dirk, too short to be a man’s sword . . . but it felt just right in her hand.

“You remember where the heart is?” the Hound asked.

She nodded. The squire rolled his eyes. “Mercy.”

Needle slipped between his ribs and gave it to him.

aya polliver gif

Off The Map Chelsea Fagan

Read this little book (free on the Kindle store) while in KL to prep myself for my solo trip in Thailand. Loads of great stories and my favourite was from this girl who walked dunno how many kilometres in Africa because she couldn’t pass some border and had to turn all the way back while her friends drove on by themselves.

So she was one of my inspirations who made me go, “If she can do it, why can’t I?”


Also re-read these two classics days ago because I had a sudden animal craving lol. Was introduced to Animal Farm in school and I think out of all the books we had to study for Literature, it’s still the best and my favourite.

Charlotte’s Web was one of the first few books I ever read if I remember correctly. Funnily enough, it wasn’t a purchase. I think someone had given me a whole bag of old books and it was inside. My book cover isn’t the iconic one with the girl but the obscure one above.

Anyway I cried harder this time than I did as a child at the ending wtf. Like full-on sobbing. Why is my adult self so emotional????


Also re-read this YA novel called ‘The Way I Used To Be’ (life sure has a way of forcing you to grow up) that made me cry on both readings. You can feel how raw and real the emotions are… And also because I feel like I can relate.

Most of that hate, though, I save for me. No matter what anyone else did or didn’t do, it was ultimately me who gave them permission. I’m the one who’s lying. The coward too afraid to just stop pretending.

The plan was to get better, to feel better, by any means. But I don’t feel better, I feel empty, empty and broken, still. And alone. More alone than ever before.

Pain changes people. All that self-loathing, guilt, confusion, secret anger and resentment, wondering why something has to happen and why you are the only one suffering, wishing for anyone to just understand but nobody will ever do, wondering if your feelings are justified, wanting so desperately to forget and to just stop hurting.

Why, surely you didn’t think I just randomly decided to start drinking excessively for no reason? Or that I suddenly started working doubly, triply hard out of nowhere? Haha please. My previous post is only a very tiny fraction of everything that happened.

Ok said too much, back to my Kindle!