twiinklex ❤

Bad decisions make good stories. And I always have a good story.

twiinklex ❤
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Tag: The Hunger Games

FAQ the past week: Are you okay?

are you ok gif

Everyone probably knows the answer deep down but they ask anyway, I pretend that I’m fine, put on a smile and reply yes I’m okay, because I don’t know what else to say. Repeat repeat repeat.

It’s easy pretending since people usually ask in the day when I’m busy / working. Distracted and no time to let my thoughts run rampant. If you want a truthful answer, ask me at 3am. Throw some alcohol into the equation and you might even see the crying drunk.

I have a lot to write but was busy working the whole weekend. Four solo shifts in a row… Been spending more time than usual in the office as well. But this is good because work is truly the best distraction and my colleagues make me laugh.

nightmares about losing you

– Peeta Mellark, Catching Fire

My biggest fear was always him leaving me, despite there being so much other shit that could go wrong (my concern over those was not even halfway as much). I even told him that he might get bored one day, but he was always skeptical.

So many times I had nightmares about it and once I even woke up crying because it felt so real. I remember that dream rather vividly because I typed it all down in my mobile diary app. In it, I broke down in public and begged him not to leave. Me, begging? Never told him about these dreams though.

Who would have thought that in the end, it was me who left (first)? Funny how life never quite turns out the way that you expect. Maybe part of the reason is because I was so scared that he would leave, I decided to go first. Yes it sounds stupid, but only because you don’t understand and I won’t explain.

In another entry, I wrote, “When a good dream leaves me more depressed than the bad ones.” Because while good, it wasn’t reality and was something that I could never have.

triumph in the skies

Rewatching this because it’s such a good show that I’ve never forgotten about it. The show that stirred my very first experience with wanderlust. Also cos I was looking for something to binge-watch and be emotionally invested in. Need an outlet to pour all my feelings into.

Honestly I feel like everything is so pointless these days. What’s the use of caring about stuff and being emotionally invested when at the end of the day, it’s not even worth it. All you get in return is pain and grief.

Was ranting to Jeremy about how Vampire Diaries wasted 6 freaking years of my life. I followed it throughout and was a walking encyclopedia about it. How I watched it at first because it was genuinely enjoyable and good, but later watched it only for Delena. Only for them to kill off Elena which means Delena doesn’t exist anymore and I will never see them together again. Is this fair???

Jeremy: But at least you were happy during the first few seasons.
Me: Are we still talking about the show.

Maybe I was talking in metaphors as usual. Mentioned that I feel like getting a guinea pig again so that I can smother it with love. But it’s so upsetting when pets die. More pointless emotional investment because everything ends someday and endings are always shit.

“There are no happy endings. Endings are the saddest part, So just give me a happy middle And a very happy start.” — Shel Silverstein

But honestly I feel like for so long, I gave up and put up with so much without complaint (never mind that he isn’t even aware of it), only for him to throw everything back in my face. For months, he consumed me and now that he’s no longer in my life, I feel so empty.

Not to sound bitchy but I also know I should try going out with other people, if only to distract myself or kill time. It’s not like nobody likes me… And all of them can offer me much more than he ever could and ever did. But they are not him. I’ll never feel the same and just upset myself even more by comparing so I don’t even want to try. It’s pointless.

But seriously, what is the point of anything???????????


Sleep, shock, sian = Sunday

I got a shock when I woke up at 2pm today because I haven’t sleep in till this late for ages. Then again, I haven’t been sleeping at 6am in a while since my stamina is like crap now. Mostly it’s been 3am+ to 8am+ (and 11am+ for weekends).

Everytime when I’m not working the following day, I tell myself that I’m going to party all night with my laptop and I even look forward to it. Except on those days I conk out earlier than usual… like 8pm kind of earlier than usual. And then it’s the opposite for when I have to work: Tell myself I’m gonna turn in earlier but it never happens.

Sleep is complicated.

Finished another manga yesterday, planned to watch something before going to bed at 3plus but I ended up browsing Hana Yori Dango blogs till it was much later. When I finally reached my bed, I watched two episodes of Meteor Garden. Finished Season 1 this afternoon!

I swear I am so fucking obsessed with this fandom. I need to watch all the other anime, drama and film adaptations. Hana Yori Dango is perfection.

I’m like in the manga phase now. Haven’t read anything from Fictionpress for ages. When I am in one of my so-called phases, I have no ‘feel’ to do anything but whatever I am into at that moment hahaha.

To be honest, all mangas are the same and all fics are the same. The same type of male and female characters, the same kind of love triangles, the same obstacles in the way relationship’s way. It’s like they all follow a structure. But even then, I can’t get enough of these guilty pleasures.

There aren’t many things that I feel super strongly about. Delena is like on this crazily high level on a pedestal because I feel so passionately about them (Vampire Diaries too but I think that’s also partly due to loyalty since the show’s plot can be pretty shit at times).

Hunger Games isn’t too far below. I thought I was over it but I cried while watching an old TV spot on YouTube few days back, hence the tweet above. Sometimes, things just stick with you forever.

I enjoyed The Fault In Our Stars, both the book and film were good. They even had me first cry at the same scene. But maybe because I didn’t fangirl over it with the Tumblr fandom unlike the above two (which I followed during the years I was active on Tumblr), I wouldn’t say I love it? It’s touching and it made me cry a lot, but I don’t feel that attached to it.

But for the few things I do feel an intense amount of love for, it’s like…

Watched Tarzan (2013) which is like a shitty combination of Disney’s Tarzan and Avatar earlier this afternoon too. On a regular weekend when I don’t leave the house, I can actually watch four movies in a row. That’s what I keep wanting to do nowadays. Didn’t get a chance to yesterday or today though.

Had to start on this blog advertorial which I accepted because it didn’t require attending anything (I have been getting so many invitations for blog events but I didn’t accept any because of the time clashing or think I could commit)… Nearly finished so that’s good.

Then I spent another hour preparing stuff for work tomorrow. One more week of work before I am going on three weeks straight of well-deserved leave (gotta clear all our leave by end of August) so yay 😀

And now it’s 11pm which means the day is ending. Super sian Sunday. I’m gonna to stay up till it’s ridiculously late, do ridiculous fangirl things, and wake up feeling ridiculously crap.

Okay? Okay.