twiinklex ❤

Bad decisions make good stories. And I always have a good story.

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No rest for the wicked

The last post is too depressing. Need a new entry to push it down. Let’s see…

It’s been six weeks and I still haven’t finished my month-long course, which has been ‘suspended until further notice’. This is the second time… seems like I have no affinity with it. People who attend the same course usually finish it in four weeks without a hitch 🙁

singapore state courts

I was learning a lot and enjoying it. Visited the State Courts two weeks ago and it was sooo exciting! We sat through a City Harvest trial and watched Tan Ye Peng being cross-examined. The other accused parties such as Kong Hee and Serina Wee were seated just right in front of me.

On the way there to meet my course mates. I have to keep reminding myself not to smile because I have yet to fix my teeth!! It’s uglier than ever and I now look like I have one tooth missing after I got the chipped one filed down. Returning to the dentist later to fix it once and for all. Finally!

Dinner and dessert with a friend at Causeway Point on the same day. Yes, I’m one of *those people* who like Ilao Ilao. The cold actually hurt my tooth a lot before it was filed down, much more than biting off tough meat, but… the cold never bothered me anyway 😛

Funny how I thought being on course would mean more time for myself but life is still as hectic as ever. Been wanting a day where I simply go home at 5pm right after class and don’t go anywhere else but that has yet to happen.

Listed down what I did the past few weeks to keep track and so that I don’t forget should I ever want to blog (fat chance). I didn’t realise the extent of how packed my days are.

I’m emotionally drained and physically worn out. Sleeping 12 hours doesn’t seem that ridiculous now. So much drama and plot twists in my life, both good and bad. Well, at least there’s never a dull moment.

Wanted to die on Apr 6 in particular. I forgot that class would end late and even assumed it would end early. Ended up rushing home to get something / going to meet a Carousell buyer / popping into the dentist to enquire about price / meeting Andre with 2% phone battery left.

Left the cinema and switched on my phone to 30 calls from my editor. I used my last 1% battery to copy his number on Andre’s phone so that I could call back. Just imagine the same level of panic as when you have missed calls from your mum T_T

I have also become a terribly lazy person. Used to spot-clean my hamster cages every other day and do a complete wash once a week. Then it became every two days and every one and a half weeks. Now it’s every three to four days and once every fortnight.

It’s super tedious and seriously no joke having four hamsters ok. Two were gifts and two were adopted but I don’t regret any of them. Good thing they are low maintenance creatures. A fifth one might kill me and mean I don’t have to sleep at all anymore.

I think my hamsters lead super good lives. I mix seven types of food for them as their staple diet and I have three different types of treats to give occasionally.

Not very motivated to work either. I still do give my all but I know my heart and mind are elsewhere. Not sure if it’s because of whatever’s been going on or if I just had too much time off work. Maybe both.

I wasn’t scheduled to work on Christmas, New Year or Chinese New Year nor did I have to do the late shift on their Eves. I went to New Zealand then Hong Kong then on course, all within weeks of each other. 2015 has lots of long weekends which I was dreading because they mean more work for me, but so far I haven’t worked during any of them. I have requested for Labour Day though.

Understandable that I won’t have the mood to work after all these right??? LOL oops.
What I AM in the mood for:

– Eat everything without getting fat
– Watch movies one after another
– Read books and fics (woohoo Delena and Dramoine 4eva) all day
– Travel and see the world (can $$$ drop from the sky plz)

Dinner at Siam Square Mookata last Thursday (April 16). It’s pretty good at $29.90 nett per pax and I love the variety!! Not sure how CK finished 10 sets of smoked duck on his own but I was exploding by the end of our four-hour meal.

Teeth too ugly to show here. Actually I feel super old, fat, tired and frumpy nowadays wtf…


On drugs

All references to drugs in this post are metaphorical. I am not on crack… not literally, anyway.

Spent the whole day reading Love, Rosie (movie made me cry and I have a feeling the book will rip me into pieces) and watching movies. So therapeutic… definitely could do with more days like this.

Was back at work for the week in light of recent events and my course resumes next week. Nice eating with my colleagues again… I laughed so hard that I spat out my drink at Kumar and Estelle on two occasions. Omg I’m so gross and easily amused around people I adore.

On Friday I ordered this and did a double take at the huge portion. Then the stall assistant asked, “Enough?” which I couldn’t tell was a serious question or not. I didn’t even ask for more… All I asked was to swop the bread and salad (who wants to eat that crap? Not me) to soup and colesaw. To which he answered, “Only for you can.” Lol ok.

Ok mundane rant up ahead. You will no idea what it is but I just need to let it out.

I’m tired all the time and I don’t feel fucking functional at all. So much for feeling like less of a wreck. The emotional strain is so much that it is taking a physical toll on me. I just want to feel okay again.

It’s funny… Remember when I was upset in January? I’m actually miserable over something else now. Yet up till last year I was so happy and felt like I had everything going for me. It’s not that life isn’t good now… Still got my job and travelling and all that makes me happy. I just don’t feel good.

I feel like I am on drugs. I am happy and high on adrenaline for like one day of the week, then I start to slowly fall apart over the next few days, drowning in insecurity and the desire for more. Then I resolve to pick myself up, be functional and cool as a cucumber, convince myself that I’m strong and I’ll be fine. That I’ll be okay. Sometimes I do feel okay. But the cycle just repeats itself all over again.

Hahaha I’m a joke and disappointment to myself. Surely I am better than this.

I guess not, because I don’t want to stop taking drugs. Can’t stop. It’s a lonely journey of more lows than highs with no possibility of an outcome, except for bad ones maybe. Yet whatever little highs there are seem to make all the pain and misery worth it.

It’s toxic. So why do I do this to myself? Other than the fact that I’m selfish, weak, cowardly, spineless and have zero self-control (just look at the way I shop). Some days I actually think I deserve to feel this way for being such a terrible person.

I know I willingly walked into this (no regrets) but just because I know what I signed up for, doesn’t make things any easier. It’s so fucking hard even when I expect so little… and sometimes I make it worse by allowing hope to slip in.

I am not even going to kid myself that things will get better. It is as good as it gets now and will probably only get worse. It might get better after shit hits the fan and I survive that. I guess I will. I always do. Imagine dying from an overdose though…

My philosophy even when not drunk. And yeah, I don’t want to kick the drug habit… So just pretend you never read this post because I don’t want / need / deserve help.

Feeling dead on the inside and I think it’s starting to show on the exterior too. Is this what actual drug addicts feel like? Going to distract myself by planning my next holiday.