twiinklex ❤

Bad decisions make good stories. And I always have a good story.

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At peace

I think my blog is really depressing because everyone’s so concerned. But honestly, don’t have to worry so much because I’m really just ranting / writing / talking to myself / making pop culture references which makes me feel better.

1. I’m the dumper not the dumpee
2. I know it’s normal to feel this way so I’m not ashamed about sharing my thoughts
3. I am eating, sleeping and working as usual / fine
4. It will pass, I will get over it and be okay again

Plus today I don’t just feel okay, I actually feel quite good?!?!?! Okay but hope nothing happens tomorrow to make me go ‘Peace was never an option’ (favourite movie quote because Michael Fassbender). Perfect time to insert a gif but I shall not jinx it!!!

beef hor fun toa payoh

Dried beef hor fun for lunch and they are quite generous with the meat. I liked it until I kept gulping down water after I returned to office.

Haven’t gone to gym for more than a month and I have only ran this long like one other time. So glad I went… Nothing like running away your stress and stuff. Need to make this a frequent habit again.

Was waiting for my dad to come fetch me so I sat on a ledge because it was so windy. Looking at all the lights while listening to Snow Patrol’s Chasing Cars was so peaceful.

I was trying to do a split but changed my mind because I thought about how if I fell, everyone’s going think I committed suicide (fair enough… the cops will look at my blog and all) but NO please I am so not ready to die. And I will NEVER hurt my parents this way.

Anyway a friend walked by and I scared the living daylights out of him because it was so dark HAHAHA. Had a long convo about travelling etc and I’m really happy knowing that our friendship wasn’t ruined like I had thought. Cos of the same shit.

Kumar is back from his sponsored trip to Taiwan and he went on EVA Air so everything was Hello Kitty!!! Hehe thanks for letting me have first dibs on the bunch of Hello Kitty stuff from the plane 😀 😀 😀

Then he said he got me this pink bag which said, “Du1 Lan2 Guo2 Xiao3′ because when he heard ‘Dulan’ (Taiwan village but also ‘fed up’ in Hokkien) he thought of me -______- According to him, this is how he shows his love… in his language. LOL so funny.

Not sure if it’s the lighting or if Dubai really made me so tanned 🙁

Ok but seriously, so thankful for the people in my life because I would never have made it this far without them. Thanks for standing by me throughout everything even when I don’t deserve it, for always being so supportive and having faith in me, for listening to me moan about the same thing repeatedly like a broken recorder, for always responding to my late night SOS spams, for the very blunt opinions from some of you, for making me laugh even when laughing was the last thing I felt like doing, and for helping me find the strength to do what I needed to do.

I’m lucky because I have you guys… and I know I’ll be okay.


Falling apart or chill as fuck

Burned out. Woke up with the worst headache (no I’m not hungover) and blocked nose ever. Got an MC but I went to work anyway because I was afraid we would be short-handed and I felt bad, so I only left earlier at 5pm.

Strange how some days I feel totally chill while others, the pain is suffocating and all I want to do is cry even when nothing has happened. Then there are times when all I feel is a slight buzzing annoyance.

Happiness is fleeting, coming and going in short bursts. Just the past few weeks, there have been at least 5 times when I feel perfectly content, only for reality to bite me back in the ass after a mere couple of days. Why so cruel?

Okay, two times it was my own fault because of my itchy hands, morbid curiosity and proficient CSI skills. I would have been impressed with myself if I wasn’t so sad.

I know about lots of things and more than I let on. Just because I don’t say anything, doesn’t mean I don’t feel anything. I can be an ice queen / tough bitch / independent soul but I have feelings too. Never mind, I’m too old for this cryptic passive-aggressive shit.

So because the sadness was mostly self-inflicted, I got over those 2 occasions. Another 1 left me annoyed and pissy rather than upset but I got over it too.

But the 4th time was such an unexpected bombshell because I wasn’t even doing anything. All I wanted was to enjoy a nice dinner (14 May) with a friend I seldom see, when he volunteered this bit of information that ruined my whole night and week.

He still has no idea what’s going on. He doesn’t know how much the info he revealed had affected me or what a difference it makes to my life. Crazy huh??? How someone can casually mention something that seemingly has no relation to you, but is actually one of your biggest secrets?

I must be the only person who can be facing this $235 spread (more food not pictured) at Hai Di Lao and yet feel completely miserable. It was supposed to be my treat in return for loads of favours but said friend sneakily footed the bill when I went to the toilet -_-

Misery comes knocking on my door even when I don’t go looking for it. This was a Thursday. Things were made worse by the fact that Monday had been nice while Tuesday and Wednesday left me on cloud nine. I wasn’t just content then, I was walking-on-sunshine happy for some inexplicable reason.

By Saturday, I was feeling so down that I went back to office to do some work even though I wasn’t on duty. Except that I was feeling so confused, hurt and all kinds of fucked up that I ended up full-on crying at my desk by myself.

it fucking hurts gif

Then a new week rolled around and somehow, I managed to let it go (I knew I would, because I’m always so weak and predictable). All was good until as usual, my happiness was marred by stuff not within my control.

So resigned to this that I don’t even have anything to say anymore. Just wish I got a proper goodbye in before I leave for Europe because I have a feeling the next hello would be at least a month away. But maybe it’s a blessing in disguise because I’m terrible with goodbyes when it comes to this.

Do you ever feel like crying just by looking at someone? Watching them when they aren’t looking and wanting to just burst into tears for no apparent reason. You aren’t sad. Sometimes you might even be happy. They aren’t tears of happiness or sorrow exactly. You just feel everything so deeply and intensely. You are so overwhelmed by emotions you might not even understand and you don’t know what to do with them, other than cry.

Maybe I am crazy… We all go a little mad sometimes. Haven’t you? #favouritemoviequoteever

we all go a little mad sometimes gif