Grateful for:

– Encouraging me to do my CV and applications
– And actually making sure I did them
– Encouraging me and having confidence in me
– The support and listening ear during a very tough time
– Guidance and advice to navigate said tough times
– Listening to my never-ending rants and yapping
– Speaking up for me when I’m not around
– Waiting for me to be home safely
– Morning and good night texts
– Recognising my dog
– Movies online and offline
– Rides here and there
– Long lunches
– And even longer calls almost daily
– Poisson the rat (I adored this not cos it’s a rat or super cute or from Paris but cos it was one of the rare times I felt genuinely thought of… and ok maybe partly cos it’s a rat. And that we named him together)

But I will not ignore:

– Hanging up on me
– Dismissing my feelings
– Baiting me to trigger/provoke a reaction
– “Live a little” when you actually know nothing
– Telling me not to “antagonise” people
– Mentioning having lunch 3x only to cancel on me
– Throwing away food I bought you in front of me without even offering me a bite
– When we had a dilemma and neither of your 2 suggestions considered me
– Not following through on things you mentioned first
– When you stopped doing the above list of things

Always felt that you like how I make you feel more than you actually like me, and I don’t think I’m wrong. No matter the context, I am not okay with the lack of consideration, curiosity, consistency or sensitivity. But rather than ask for things that should be bare minimum, I would rather just take my leave.

You say it feels sudden, but I don’t think so, you just weren’t paying attention when I needed you to. You say that you hope I’m okay, but if you really knew me, you would know that I’m not.

– Time is the ultimate truth-teller.

– It is so hard to leave — until you leave. And then it is the easiest goddamned thing in the world.

– How they treat you is how they feel about you.

– But also how people treat you is a reflection of themselves, not you.

– This too shall pass.

Honestly I did wonder if maybe I just suck or am weak/lousy, and that’s why I’m having trouble adjusting. But it’s not an adjustment issue and I should stop talking down to myself. I know I am competent and have always delivered – just ask anyone or take a look at my consistently strong grading every year.

But you can only try and fight for something so much before you feel utterly defeated and see no point in continuing to put in effort. I think this applies to everything in life, whether work or relationships. For me, what comes next is silence and detachment and finally goodbye.

Trying very hard to not care, bare minimum, let it wash all over me, be my happy self. I’ll admit it’s difficult though, especially since I’m emotional and hence instinctively reactive, and the all-or-nothing, no half-assery kind.

But when you do not feel valued, you do not feel heard, the only thing to do is to leave.

And I’m talking about more than just one thing but it’s kinda messed up how intertwined they are.