Went to make new EZ-link card today at AMK. Costed me $18 just to replace the card. Paid from my own pocket, of course. Spent so much this month; cab fare + homework materials + this and I still have to buy formal wear. Sigh.

Well, I’m still glad that my parents didn’t scold me or anything. Anw thank goodness I have all my earnings from tuition so I don’t really mind… I just hope the old card doesn’t make a reappearance!!!

Was in the area so decided to buy Koi bubble tea and pop by school to see Darilene, since she had group meeting. Knew she wasn’t very happy so decided to surprise her with Koi and hopefully cheer her up!

I bought 3 Bubble Green Milk Tea, for Darry, Jas and myself. Jas has been helping me out a lot ever since forever, especially with group work and all. Plus I know she likes Koi! 😀

Anw, my house -> NYP -> AMK so it’s on the way ^^
Why is it when no classes I keep going back school and when there are classes, I keep wanting to skip?

Apparently many classmates were in school for group meetings today… and they were in the library so I stuffed the whole bag of bubble tea into my tiny handbag and smuggled it in 😀

The look of surprise and joy on both their faces and I gave them the bubble tea… you have no idea how appreciated I felt. Just something that I hope will brighten your day, girls (:

Even though I myself can’t be happy, at least I can make people happy. Oh well.

Vanessa asked if I am very happy today. I started to say no but then changed my mind and wanted to say yes, but in the end I said okok. I can’t decide if I’m happy or not.

Like I said in the previous poast, I’m happy in the day when I’m physically surrounded by people… nights are a whole different matter altogether 🙁

I typed out a whole poast but then deleted everything from here onwards. Fuck this shit. I don’t know how much longer I can do this.

Wanna fucking cry. If you can’t help or encourage me, then leave me alone. No need to make useless comments and make me feel worser than I already am. You don’t even understand yet all you do is judge, judge, judge. You’re not me.

All some people know how to do is talk talk talk… You don’t even know the whole situation. You haven’t even been through the exact same thing. Never ever.

Can I go into coma for one week and when I wake up, everything is fine again? I don’t wanna die and anw, I’m afraid of pain. Coma will do, thankyou very much.

Oh, give me a break, people!
It’s fucking impossible to keep up with this facade of being happy ALL THE TIME any longer. I have my bad times too, I’m not perfect. And all I wanna do now is just give up, leave everything behind and fucking disappear!

Stop expecting stuff of me.
I can’t perform miracles.

If you really care, if you really understand me, you’d know what to do.

Chicken backside I started this poast on a relatively happy note, but see how everything’s ending? Wonderful metaphor for Life.

Thankyou those who have always been by my side, who always listen, who never ever judge, who constantly forgive and understand me, who don’t expect anything of me, who love me for who I am, for every single thing. You people are the reason why I am still alive in this world. Thankyou. I love you.

Same thing. Either no time or no mood to update. Despite working so hard the whole of last week, I still have tons of work waiting. Yet all I’ve being doing recently is to stone in front of my laptop, hardly doing anything.

How do I start? Where do I start? So many things going on that I don’t even know where to begin.

During the day I’m fine, mostly. School and the people physically around me keeps me occupied. It’s nights like these when I start thinking too much and my mind starts to wander. I lie on my bed and I can’t sleep, so what do I do? I think. I think unnecessary junk and nonsense.

I know I can do without all these useless thoughts clogging up my mind and upsetting me, but I can’t help it. I feel inspired to pour all all my feelings on my blog but I’m too lazy to start up my laptop again. Writing it elsewhere like on my phone first then transferring it later is just not the same.

The atmosphere and mood is just different. I need to see this lovely dashboard of mine. The big white blank space beckoning for me to fill it up with words. To pour out all my emotions and capture how I feel that very moment.

And one bad thing about being nocturnal is when I am badly in need of a listening ear, all my close friends are asleep already. And comes next morning but I don’t feel like sharing anything already. It’s just not the same, you know?

I bottle everything inside and then I get so stressed up and tormented by my thoughts I release them in the form of tears. It’s just that they always manage to find their way back into my mind 24 hours later, same time same place. Pretty sucky isn’t it.

I have my favourite games on my laptop now, games that I’ve been looking for like crazy and used to love like mad, but I don’t even feel like playing them. Fickle me huh. Seems like once I get something, I don’t want it anymore. Nothing new.

Chocolatier, in my utmost favourite version 3 which Yixuan helped me to find. Harvest Moon which I was hooked on last time. Wonderland Online, favourite online MMORPG ever which I played with my childhood friend Zikry.

Used to be hooked on all these games but somehow, whether by choice or not, I stopped playing and now I have all these games again but I don’t feel like playing. They used to make me so happy and addicted.

Maybe one of the reasons is because starting over makes me so sian. I made so much progress in these games already; spent so much time and effort etc, and now I have to start all over. I don’t mind starting over that much but I guess things just aren’t the same anymore.

Nothing in the present is ever exactly the same as in the past, the way I want things to be. Why does the past always seem happier and simpler? I know we should look forward in life and embrace the future but sometimes I just can’t help feeling otherwise.

Got so upset in the afternoon today by some “supposedly-joking words” that I teared a bit in lecture theatre during GSM. Covered it up by pretending to be tired and rubbing my eyes.

Yes I know but I really did go for GSM and 2 group work meetings today even though there isn’t school because classes today and tomorrow are all cancelled. Maybe I really have snapped. Normally I would not have gone, group work or not, classes or not.

Don’t feel any happier about there being no school these 2 days though. Doesn’t seem to change anything right?

Then I was in high spirits afterwards, since both group meetings were productive. Plus parents didn’t scold or nag me for losing my EZ-link card.

At first I was quite tense since it felt like the calm before the storm but they really didn’t scold me. Especially my dad. Honestly I feel scared when he loses his temper, whoever it is with. And usually my mom can’t stop nagging back. The average ratio of what you say to what she will say back is like 1:20 normally hahaha oops.

Nevermind, I still love them and I know I totally deserve to be scolded. But somehow this time I’m so grateful that they didn’t scold, nag or lecture me. I don’t need any aggravation to feel worse.

No freaking idea where my card went anyway. It should be at home but I just can’t find it. Forget it. For now anyway.

Just now Yixuan said my current profile picture on Facebook is nice but looks so emo that I seem like the wrist-slashing kind. Well I guess it fits how I am currently feeling then.

I’m not about to cut my wrist though. At most when I reach breaking point, I’ll just delete all my accounts and shut down all my sites and suddenly disappear from virtual world, like last time. It’s not like I never did it before. It happened once, it can happen again.

It’s just that last time there was no Dear Love. Now is different. Now I have my beloved Dear Love which I put so much effort into. It’s my flesh and blood, my baby. And I don’t think I can bear to delete Dear Love or give it up.

It’s just that sometimes I just feel so helpless. The people whom I care for and whom I want for them to care doesn’t seem to care enough. I know they do care… just not as much as I want them to. It’s what I feel anyway.

Everyone seems so far away from me, busy with their own things. And I don’t really wanna bother them either. My timezone is probably not helping anyway.

And those people who care and keep talking to me… I don’t feel close enough with them to share anything. Anw I don’t feel like sharing either because then I will have to start from dunno where so that they will understand the situation and what I’m going to say.

Sometimes what these group people manage to do is either irritate me or creep me out. Seriously. Sigh. But I still try to be nice to them because “Do unto others what you want others do unto you”, no?

Life is so ironic isn’t it.
It is… depressingly beautiful. Kinda.

K have so much more to say but I don’t feel like going on any further. I guess there isn’t much point in carrying on anyway.

Goodbye.