August 16, 2020
…Is not me.
Was on the train home on Friday night, enjoying my book with my airpods on, totally oblivious to what was unfolding before me. When I looked up, there was already a yellow sea of puke on the floor. Thank god for masks cos I couldn’t smell anything.
The girl was totally passed out and unresponsive, her head just lolling about and both legs splayed out.
There were a few people around her so I tried to place them. A helpful off-duty nurse whom I initially thought was MRT staff. The guy I wondered whether was an onlooker helping out or her boyfriend.
They were wiping the girl’s face and moving her hair back. The guy also tried to hang a plastic bag under her chin but couldn’t get it to stay in position. He tried to wake her by tapping her cheek (the strangeness of this gesture was why I thought they were strangers) but to no avail.
After awhile, he carried her out of the train. That’s when I realised they were acquainted. His face was also very red so I suppose they both had a lot to drink.
The puke remained there throughout my journey.
Anyway, my first (lousy) thought was to judge her. I even had the cheek to think ‘I might have broken a tooth but at least I have never…’ until I recalled all my own pukey times from years ago (haven’t reached this extent in a long time, thankfully).
Then afterwards I was judging him because ‘if you are her boyfriend, then you shouldn’t have let her drink this much’. But I realised that when someone is determined to do something, it is actually very hard to stop them. All those times when we know when we should have stopped three glasses ago or left the party an hour ago but didn’t. The best you can do is to just keep them safe.
I also felt that it was very nice of him to take care of her and deal with this despite all the eyes on them. Made me thankful for all the friends who have done the same for me (though I’ve only reached this stage of being unable to go home on my own once, when I broke my tooth).
Then I thought about how it is very easy to judge people but we don’t know what they are going through. Maybe her parents are divorcing. Maybe she just had a breakup and this guy is her friend. Maybe she had a particularly shit day. Maybe she just needs to mask the sadness. We don’t know.
Anyway, hope they are fine. I think they will be, other than her waking up in a pool of regret and self-loathing the next day. But every day is a new beginning and one bad night does not define you.
As for me, I’m surprised and almost in disbelief at how well everything is going. There’s so much to be thankful and happy for every day. I feel like my hard work is paying off and it’s all just very rewarding.
I also realised that there will always be things needing to be done and I should just live in the moment. I mean, I used to like finishing everything so that I can stop thinking about them and go do my own stuff. But things have changed (not in a bad way) and that ‘100% free’ mode is no longer possible (for now).
For awhile, it made me whiny and seem ungrateful. But now that I have changed my mindset and eased into a routine, I feel very content and capable and productive again.
Like, I planned to just shut off for the whole of Friday evening. Was already out when some stuff came in; one marked urgent and the other due that very day. Decided to stay chill and enjoy my evening anyway. If it’s not life and death, it can wait a few hours. Completed the tasks at 3am. Watched Neflix till 5am. Work me, social me, and lazy me all are happy.
All of these has been very enlightening. Of course, I’m very lucky in the sense that everything is flexible and pretty much up to my own planning.
Recently, I even tried sleeping earlier and waking up early for a few days and felt really good. Less groggy and more productive. Too bad it didn’t last long because I started a new K-drama and I can’t stop watching at night. Maybe I will try again.
I should stop using sleep as a tradeable commodity. More work to do? Just use the time meant for sleep. Because I refuse to use time meant for my hobbies. Which is very wrong but I cannot stop when I’m in the middle of a good book or show.
But again, it’s an arrangement that works for me. I just feel very fulfilled right now. Maybe because I stopped being so hard on myself all the time. Don’t feel like running then don’t run. You want that overpriced cappuccino then just get it. You want to be a hamster fanatic then just be. You like that pic of yourself so just post it even though everyone thinks you have no pants on.
