Category: Others

Just when you think you have your life together, you down two bottles of wine in one evening and are violently sick and don’t feel functional after waking up and spend the whole day wanting to hurl 😂 This was the same day I flew back to Singapore so ya not my wisest decision. Oh, life…

I felt fine before and after, but it’s just been a looong time since such excessive drinking (lol). Still, I think it’s a step-up because there hasn’t been any downward spiralling or basking in regret and self-loathing.

It was actually a normal evening and I wasn’t downing any sorrows but every day after that has been rubbish since. Sad to be ending the year on a low note after riding such a high all year. Of course there were still down days and low moments, I just didn’t broadcast them online. But overall, I’ve had a great year and am thankful for it all.

It’s just that right now, I am not feeling my best and I’m not going to pretend otherwise. It’s also kinda hard feeling grateful when I am upset about so many things. Everything just feels off-kilter currently.

For one, my gut has been queasy for days and what I thought were hangover symptoms is actually stomach flu. I’ve also been feeling more burned out than usual the whole month and I felt no less exhausted after my work trip. Also kinda pissed off about certain things at work but misery loves company and I feel slightly comforted knowing that I’m not alone in this…

Anyway, everything is always connected. Same goes for mind, body and soul, all of which is out of balance for me right now. My routine feels so thrown off this month.

I haven’t been to the gym or worked out in the longest time, I haven’t really been eating mindfully the way I want to and am used to, I do not feel up for being productive (thank goodness it’s the holiday season so I have an excuse).

I haven’t finished a full-length novel in ages. Reading and reviewing feels like such a chore now. Bookstagram was tough to begin with so I have been on hiatus, but now it has crossed over into work with me writing news articles about the publishing world. So I feel even less able to read for leisure and am avoiding books completely. I can’t even bring myself to return my dozens of overdue library books. I don’t only want to not face the task, I don’t even want to think about the task at all.

It’s New Year’s Eve and Latte has just left me. She had been ageing and slowing down for awhile, but declined quite rapidly in the last few days and was on palliative care. On one hand, there’s the relief of being free from suffering but at the same time, there’s all the guilt and grief that I feel. No matter how many times it has been, it never gets any easier.

I guess this is life. You never know when it’s going to throw you a curveball. Or many curveballs. I know I’ll eventually pick myself up again like I always do but I do wonder if I have even grown at all or learnt anything. I worked so hard this year but I don’t know if I have anything to show for it lol.

These separate convos about different things took place all in December:

M: “Cherlynn is very easygoing, everything also ok.”

F: “I think you’re too nice.”

BX: “I feel like you’re the one always giving in.”

I’m not sure if these are compliments but hello people-pleaser with a lack of boundaries……..

Just weeks ago I was telling Farah what a struggle it is, how it would be so easy to just respond to that email or text or message, “but I tell myself that I deserve better”.

She said, “That’s why I said I’m so proud of you.”

Fast forward to now and what have I done??? 🤡 Bye boundaries and self-respect and brain……..

• “Are you Maria?” (I hope this is some group meet and you aren’t having a first date at a rave…)
• “Do you know where to get (substance)?”
• “Where is your boyfriend?”
• “Why do you not have a boyfriend?”
• “So you are here as?” *shows media pass* “Influencer?”

I thought the last one was funny; might be the way he said it, like he doesn’t think much of influencers LOL or maybe because I find it to be a personal affront. Not offended, just that I report facts for a living which contrasts so much with marketing unrealistic lifestyles 💀 It’s also not the first time I’ve been mistaken for an influencer, which is funny if you know how my personality is anything but 😂

Anyway, I had a blast but at the same time I am also surprised at myself.

First of all, the invite came in via work and I volunteered to cover it because MARTIN GARRIX. But after rsvping, I started second-guessing myself because it’s not my usual scene, I am old now, blah blah blah, would I still enjoy it? Would I still have the energy to party through the night?

Secondly, I planned to go for just Day 2 with Ling Yue because MARTIN GARRIX and let’s be real, travelling to and fro Sentosa is shag. But I surprised myself by going for Day 1 alone. Thought I would just show face to the PR team and stay for a set or two instead of wasting my tickets, but I lingered until 2am 💀💀💀

It was fun but kinda blahhh and nothing compared to my ZoukOut 2016 experience. I enjoyed Blink’s set and thinks he’s underrated, but Wukong was not my cup of tea at all. It was so tacky and the graphics are more vulgar than funny…. I go to a rave for EDM, not Chinese orchestra 🤡

Even Alesso did not hype me up that much. Maybe my energy was already depleted by then #old. The PR girlies were super kind to me though!! Invited me into the VIP tent (mine were general admission tickets) and there was hot food, free-flow drinks, seats and fans 🥹

I was chatting to their 19-year-old intern and thinking about how *I* used to be the intern talking to people in their 30s 😂😂😂 Gosh.

Decided to leave with her and her colleague because otherwise, I wouldn’t know where the pick-up point is. Never mind that Grab quoted me $68 because I couldn’t even get one. By a huge stroke of luck, the colleague was staying in Woodlands so I asked if I could just alight with her and book a new ride from there. She even insisted on staying downstairs with me until I managed to find a driver even though it was so late and she was so tired 😭

Thanks to them, my ride home was only 10 minutes and $17!!!! I am so so grateful and will not forget this kindness. Girl code is real; leave no woman behind.

I came much later on Day 2 and the crowd was insane. The PR girlies to the rescue again so I didn’t have to queue. At first they said only I am allowed in the VIP tent but in the end they came through and got both LY and I in 🥹 Though I was barely in there the whole night. Ain’t no way I’m experiencing MARTIN GARRIX from anywhere else but right in the action ok?!

Goshhh I had a phenomenal time!!! Day 2 was definitely more like the ZoukOut I know and love. I still think 2016 was better but this was awesome nevertheless. I’m super glad his set was at 9.35am and not wee hours (freaking 4am LOL) like in 2016 because I am old.

I made sure to record as much as I could while still living in the moment and enjoying the music, because from past experience, I knew I would want to keep reliving the night.

And I was right because it’s been a week and I am still intoxicated from my experience. Not in the alcohol sense obviously but I simply can’t stop rewatching my videos clips. They make me smile so much!!

The music thumping through my entire being, the heat from the flames on my face, the high energy, hearing the electrifying tunes and my favourite songs and seeing my favourite DJ live… just a one-of-a-kind experience that no streaming platform can replicate.

And of course it comes with being packed like sardines, squeezing through crowds, sweating like hell, but it’s all part of the experience and I would do it all again!!

Lots of people were super surprised that I came alone on Day 1 because ya, really rare to see that at a rave. Trust me, I was equally surprised myself 😂

I guess I am at a point where I’m just super comfortable in my own skin and I’ve always enjoyed my own company. Solo travel, solo coffee and restaurant dates, I even went to the cinema alone for non-work related movies for the first time last month.

To answer my own question…. yes you can still enjoy partying even after your 20s, albeit with less stamina. Plus points about ageing: You don’t even need alcohol to have a good time, there’s no need to explain or account for your whereabouts, there is no social anxiety.

In fact, I am surprised by how much I enjoyed myself. It’s hard to explain it succinctly but I just felt so young, so happy and so free!!! 💓

And yes I wrote this post with my clips replaying in the background 🤭