twiinklex ❤

Bad decisions make good stories. And I always have a good story.

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Self-awareness and self-sabotage

everything you thought was drowning

Funny how my insomnia, bad gut and anxiety returned the moment I came back from Africa.

Kept my social calendar packed this weekend so that I wouldn’t feel like k!lling myself (figure of speech) and I guess it works. Dressing up, looking fabulous, sunshine, being outdoors, good food, being around friends, talking and listening to different perspectives, it all helps!!

Anyway it’s been quite a telling weekend?? Though this turned out longer than expected so I’ll talk about Friday another time.

Had a very decadent boozy brunch with a friend today and here’s an abridged recount:

Me: Would you be pissed if you are dating someone and they went overseas without even telling you?

Friend: Dating as in?

Me: He uses relationship words like breakup and girlfriend but I don’t feel like we are ~that~, so I don’t acknowledge it.

Friend: You have every right to be pissed but you cannot deny you are ~that~ or say you are not interested and then be pissed.

Me: No! I didn’t deny but I also never acknowledge because you cannot say one thing and then do another, like in this case. And I am interested, I go along with it, but I’ve left him once before (what he calls a breakup).

Friend: Wait, does he know we are on a lunch date? 😂😂😂😂😂

(it’s not a date date, we have established that we are strictly platonic, but lol)

Me: No, if he doesn’t update me then why should I update him about anything??!?!?!

Friend: How come you didn’t mention this guy the last time we were out?

Me: Errr… delicate.

I refrained from sharing more context / complications 🙃 but those are irrelevant because it’s about basic respect and consideration. And I only knew by figuring it out myself when I saw that my texts weren’t delivered for hours. Who the f@ck says they love you and pull this shit?

I know I should trust my instincts but I even read forums (turns out it’s so common?!) and asked both male and female friends, all of whom said they would definitely be pissed too.

Also, if an on-off situationship (??) had the courtesy to inform me when he was going away for 6 months last year even though we weren’t really on talking terms, what’s the excuse here???

Friend: You looked damn sian the first 30 minutes we were here.

Me: Struggling, struggling…

Friend: Everything is upside down for you. Fucked up job, fuckboy…

Me: FuckboySSSS

Friend: If you get rid of the fuckboys, life will be much better.

Me: I think I’m sabotaging myself. Farah says I’m a victim to my own feelings.

Friend: It’s cruel and insensitive but you know it’s got nothing to do with you, right? I’m telling you as a guy. Guys like the thrill of the chase, but once we get you…

Me: Yes, but I say I am done and then I keep coming back for more. I am allowing it. Did I tell you about the on-off six years?

Friend: Ya but that’s past, right.

Me: No, it’s still ongoing!

Friend: Cherlynn, you have been busy! 😂

I think I suppress my own needs and put up with a lot because of the ~context~ (goodness knows why when Farah says I can have any guy I want and I actually do agree) and I let people get away with a lot when I have a soft spot for them. It’s unfathomable even to myself why I allow people to treat me badly or subject myself to unnecessary pain time and time again.

Thinking about how I told Farah months ago that I wonder if I’ll ever experience (something but I can’t remember what it was exactly) and she said, ‘You can but definitely not if you stay with (this guy).” #truth

She also said the thing about me is my self-awareness. Yes, I am not deluded and take accountability for being the one to allow all of these. I know my worth and I know I deserve so much better. But why can’t I just act like it too?

Thank you friends and thank you Twitter. Love that you all always tell me what I need to hear when I need to hear it. And yes, I agree that life becomes much better when I get rid of the fuckboys, based on past experiences (but why don’t I learn?!?!?!)

You know what’s funny. When we started talking again after I left the first time, he said I seemed like a happier version of myself. You would think that is telling enough for both of us!!!!!!

My problem was never leaving. It’s staying gone.


Red flag

Grateful for:

– Encouraging me to do my CV and applications
– And actually making sure I did them
– Encouraging me and having confidence in me
– The support and listening ear during a very tough time
– Guidance and advice to navigate said tough times
– Listening to my never-ending rants and yapping
– Speaking up for me when I’m not around
– Waiting for me to be home safely
– Morning and good night texts
– Recognising my dog
– Movies online and offline
– Rides here and there
– Long lunches
– And even longer calls almost daily
– Poisson the rat (I adored this not cos it’s a rat or super cute or from Paris but cos it was one of the rare times I felt genuinely thought of… and ok maybe partly cos it’s a rat. And that we named him together)

But I will not ignore:

– Hanging up on me
– Dismissing my feelings
– Baiting me to trigger/provoke a reaction
– “Live a little” when you actually know nothing
– Telling me not to “antagonise” people
– Mentioning having lunch 3x only to cancel on me
– Throwing away food I bought you in front of me without even offering me a bite
– When we had a dilemma and neither of your 2 suggestions considered me
– Not following through on things you mentioned first
– When you stopped doing the above list of things

birthday text

Always felt that you like how I make you feel more than you actually like me, and I don’t think I’m wrong. No matter the context, I am not okay with the lack of consideration, curiosity, consistency or sensitivity. But rather than ask for things that should be bare minimum, I would rather just take my leave.

You say it feels sudden, but I don’t think so, you just weren’t paying attention when I needed you to. You say that you hope I’m okay, but if you really knew me, you would know that I’m not.