Funny how my insomnia, bad gut and anxiety returned the moment I came back from Africa.
Kept my social calendar packed this weekend so that I wouldn’t feel like k!lling myself (figure of speech) and I guess it works. Dressing up, looking fabulous, sunshine, being outdoors, good food, being around friends, talking and listening to different perspectives, it all helps!!
Anyway it’s been quite a telling weekend?? Though this turned out longer than expected so I’ll talk about Friday another time.
Had a very decadent boozy brunch with a friend today and here’s an abridged recount:
Me: Would you be pissed if you are dating someone and they went overseas without even telling you?
Friend: Dating as in?
Me: He uses relationship words like breakup and girlfriend but I don’t feel like we are ~that~, so I don’t acknowledge it.
Friend: You have every right to be pissed but you cannot deny you are ~that~ or say you are not interested and then be pissed.
Me: No! I didn’t deny but I also never acknowledge because you cannot say one thing and then do another, like in this case. And I am interested, I go along with it, but I’ve left him once before (what he calls a breakup).
Friend: Wait, does he know we are on a lunch date? 😂😂😂😂😂
(it’s not a date date, we have established that we are strictly platonic, but lol)
Me: No, if he doesn’t update me then why should I update him about anything??!?!?!
Friend: How come you didn’t mention this guy the last time we were out?
Me: Errr… delicate.
I refrained from sharing more context / complications 🙃 but those are irrelevant because it’s about basic respect and consideration. And I only knew by figuring it out myself when I saw that my texts weren’t delivered for hours. Who the f@ck says they love you and pull this shit?
I know I should trust my instincts but I even read forums (turns out it’s so common?!) and asked both male and female friends, all of whom said they would definitely be pissed too.
Also, if an on-off situationship (??) had the courtesy to inform me when he was going away for 6 months last year even though we weren’t really on talking terms, what’s the excuse here???
Friend: You looked damn sian the first 30 minutes we were here.
Me: Struggling, struggling…
Friend: Everything is upside down for you. Fucked up job, fuckboy…
Me: FuckboySSSS
Friend: If you get rid of the fuckboys, life will be much better.
Me: I think I’m sabotaging myself. Farah says I’m a victim to my own feelings.
Friend: It’s cruel and insensitive but you know it’s got nothing to do with you, right? I’m telling you as a guy. Guys like the thrill of the chase, but once we get you…
Me: Yes, but I say I am done and then I keep coming back for more. I am allowing it. Did I tell you about the on-off six years?
Friend: Ya but that’s past, right.
Me: No, it’s still ongoing!
Friend: Cherlynn, you have been busy! 😂
I think I suppress my own needs and put up with a lot because of the ~context~ (goodness knows why when Farah says I can have any guy I want and I actually do agree) and I let people get away with a lot when I have a soft spot for them. It’s unfathomable even to myself why I allow people to treat me badly or subject myself to unnecessary pain time and time again.
Thinking about how I told Farah months ago that I wonder if I’ll ever experience (something but I can’t remember what it was exactly) and she said, ‘You can but definitely not if you stay with (this guy).” #truth
She also said the thing about me is my self-awareness. Yes, I am not deluded and take accountability for being the one to allow all of these. I know my worth and I know I deserve so much better. But why can’t I just act like it too?
Thank you friends and thank you Twitter. Love that you all always tell me what I need to hear when I need to hear it. And yes, I agree that life becomes much better when I get rid of the fuckboys, based on past experiences (but why don’t I learn?!?!?!)
You know what’s funny. When we started talking again after I left the first time, he said I seemed like a happier version of myself. You would think that is telling enough for both of us!!!!!!
My problem was never leaving. It’s staying gone.
