March 22, 2018 / 2:37AM
Can’t say I particularly enjoy it but it is what it is. At the beginning, it was quite the torture but I am slowly getting used to it. I no longer get hungry that often and I feel full very quickly these days. Plus I think the whole experience has honed my willpower and discipline. Surely that can’t be a bad thing?
It’s crazy because I used to hate that Kate Moss quote about “nothing tastes as good as skinny feels” and I thought it was damn irresponsible of Charlotte Gainsbourg to say “skinny is easy, don’t eat”. Also kinda miss my fuck care attitude about food and what I put in my mouth though. No more yolo, life is short, and all that jazz.
I know this can’t be healthy but I really can’t help it. I don’t mean to be irritating or make other normal people with normal eating habits feel bad on purpose. I just can’t help obsessing. So let’s not go into all that stuff about why can’t I just try or blah blah blah.
Anyway, I’m quite lucky (for lack of a better word) because I was never a fan of these popular items even before all these:
- Chocolate
- Nutella
- Cakes
- Pizza (it’s bread to me)
- Roti prata (ditto)
- Crisps and snacks
- Carbonated drinks
- Anything overly-sweet
I do, however, freaking love starchy shit like:
- Pasta
- Maggi mee
- All sorts of noodles, really
- White rice (my biggest kryptonite)
I also quite like bubble tea, alcohol and Boost Juice but I don’t really have a problem with avoiding those. Nowadays I only drink coffee with milk (no sugar!!! a phrase I frequently repeat at everyone who takes my orders) in the morning and plain water for the rest of the day but my body feels so much cleaner and healthier.
Of course, sometimes I still treat myself to wine, Gong Cha (zero sugar obvs) and Boost Juice (I guess natural fructose is fine but don’t even thinking about adding sorbet, ice cream, syrup or any other sweeteners into my drink).
I also wish people would just respect my choices:
I think these are all still considered normal and understandable. What’s fucked up is how half the time I either don’t finish my food or eat only one meal a day (not a big, calorie bomb meal where you eat everything you need all at once either, but a regular meal, and sometimes even half a meal if I don’t finish my food).
Eating two normal-sized meals now fills with me guilt because I will feel like I have overeaten. And when I feel that way, I try to compensate by going running at the gym even if it’s some ungodly hour… I went at 9pm+ in Hong Kong and 2am in Guangzhou because I felt so fat from sitting on the plane for hours and felt compelled to go run.
How messed up is that? I tried logging my meals on the Myfitnesspal app and they didn’t even let me submit because I was consuming so little calories.
Other shit I have done:
- Took 1 bite from a brownie someone gave me and threw the whole piece away
- Tried candy and immediately spat them out
- Drifted away from my relationship with rice (been eating only half of what I’m served)
I am exhausted and I am toxic and I am fucked up. But hey, at least I look good on the outside (I think, judging by the comments I have been getting). But it’s still not good enough for me. I know I will never be satisfied. But fake it till you make it, remember?
