Gone

What if I just never go back since it’s not like I took a flight with an entirely visible footprint

What if I just ditch my phone and start anew

What if I just never show up one day and ever again

What if I throw myself into a river – will they be able to identify me or will I be just another Jane Doe

Back home I think about jumping off very tall somethings

Here it will probably be easier to just swallow a bunch of somethings

Here nobody will care about the truth still, but at least nobody knows me

Here I won’t have to sleep or wake where it happened so maybe I won’t have flashbacks or cry all the time

Here I will not have to force myself to show up and go on day after day, armour up in nice clothes, fakes smiles and competence, all while I’m dying on the inside

Here nobody will put me on trial like I’m the aggressor or criminal instead of the one who was abused and violated (I do not say survivor because a part of me died that night)

Here nobody will treat me like a threat and a problem to diffuse when I’m the one who was wrecked and left broken

Here I will not have to carry the burden of proof when I am already carrying so much pain and trauma but of course none of that matters because it’s invisible

Here I will not be accused of not looking traumatised enough or be afraid to be seen laughing, having good moments or even being normal in public

Here I will not be vilified further when I am already suffering because the aftermath was just as bad as what happened, if not more

Here I will not be taking all the blame or wearing a scarlet letter yet nobody says ‘don’t rape’

Here nobody will call me names like it takes only one person to enter a relationship and even if the relationship was consensual, I did not consent to being assaulted

Here I will not suffer the consequences of speaking out so much so that I start to think that maybe I would still have my old life if I’d just stayed quiet. Can you still have your old life if the old you died?

Here people will not accuse me of lying when I gained nothing from reporting and lost so much more

Here people will not harass my friends with invasive questions or speak of me like I’m just some object

Here nobody will offer performative support and faux concern when what they really want is gossip and entertainment and to protect their self-interests

Here I will not be invited to catch-ups disguised as wellness check-ins that only serve to retraumatise and shift blame

Here I will not be told that writing about my experiences is “unfavourable” to me yet nobody says raping someone is reprehensible 

Here I will not be silenced, shunned or hurt by people who claimed to love me, by systems that were supposed to protect me, by a culture that chooses comfort over truth

Here nobody will spread lies or false narratives when they know nothing, such as how one of the first things I said when I reported it was: “Can I tell you what happened but not say who? Because I still care about him and don’t want anything to happen to him.”

Here I will still carry my pain and scars because they will never go away but at least nobody will keep picking at my wounds and making me bleed

Here I can disappear. Be gone. Just be.