my tears ricochet

Been wanting to watch It Ends With Us in theatres and today I finally did. The timing is uncanny or maybe subconsciously I knew I needed to watch it more than ever. So much of it resonated and the parallels to what has happened…

The abuse scenes are so well-done because they really look like accidents and you want to believe that they are accidents, until you can kid yourself no more.

Cried through all 130 minutes of #ItEndsWithUs 🥹 Such a good adaptation and the soundtrack is perfection pic.twitter.com/RqmLevjtks

— Cherlynn (@twiinklex) October 14, 2024

I too want to believe that you didn’t mean it and it was unintentional. I so badly want to forgive even though the logical part of me knows that what you did is unforgivable. I know that if I asked anyone, they would say what you did was unforgivable. And I know that if this happened to someone I cared about, I would tell them it is unforgivable.

And it coming from you, with what you know and everything we have been through the entire year, makes it all the more unforgivable.

How can someone I love, who claims to love me, be capable of this? Of hurting me?

I used to associate you with safety and warmth and comfort. You offered me kindness and laughter in a year of darkness and chaos. I loved being lulled to sleep while on video call with you because I felt so safe and contented. You were someone I trusted and confided in. Hell, I even wrote a whole post about it.

Even when we were on the outs, or no matter how exasperated I got with you, how I felt deep down did not change. You might be a fuckboi, but you were my fuckboi.

We have been through so, so much. But maybe there is no coming back from this. Maybe this will be what finally breaks us.

Favourite quotes from the book:

“I was blinded to all the best things about him thanks to all the glimpses I got of him when he was at his worst. Five minutes of witnessing him at his worst couldn’t make up for even five years of him at his best.”

“Cycles exist because they are excruciating to break. It takes an astronomical amount of pain and courage to disrupt a familiar pattern. Sometimes it seems easier to just keep running in the same familiar circles, rather than facing the fear of jumping and possibly not landing on your feet.”

“I would beg her to leave him. I would tell her that she is worth so much more. And I would beg her not to go back, no matter how much he loves her. She’s worth so much more.”