Jaded

Feeling jaded with life in general. Only been back at work for one day and I am stressing already, mainly because I have a very important presentation tomorrow and public speaking just freaks me out. Important guests are actually paying money to attend our workshop and hear us share our expertise. Really hope it goes well.

Everyone who saw the selfie I posted on my Instagram story says that I look so tired. My dark eye rings are super obvious because I was up till 5am reading and then I had to wake up 3 hours later for work. Priorities…

I really hoped I wouldn’t be blogging about W again but I just can’t help it especially since I’m feeling down today.

I know sometimes people think that I do very reckless things and put myself at risk or in harm’s way. Like with the excessive drinking, getting onto a stranger’s bike at 3am and loads of other crazy adventures.

But what I have never told anyone is that deep down I feel like it doesn’t really matter even if something terrible does happen, because the worst has already happened. No one can hurt me more than he already did.

And just to be clear, nothing bad has ever happened whenever I drink because I’m surrounded by the best bunch of friends ever. Even the stranger whose bike I got on is now a friend who has been nothing but nice and respectful to me.

Also, I have never ever drank in W’s presence since he was the one who made me so sad and turn to alcohol in the first place anyway. In his presence, I constantly tried to be my best self and on my best behaviour (yes wtf right)even though I knew that wasn’t the real me but I felt like that was what he wanted.

Drinking is a coping mechanism and not the problem, unlike what people may think. But who cares what people think anyway? They know nothing.