Falling apart or chill as fuck

‘Fucking’ is one of those fucking words you can fucking put anyfuckingwhere in a sentence and it still makes fucking sense.

— Feelings (@inspirationaI) April 12, 2015

Burned out. Woke up with the worst headache (no I’m not hungover) and blocked nose ever. Got an MC but I went to work anyway because I was afraid we would be short-handed and I felt bad, so I only left earlier at 5pm.

Strange how some days I feel totally chill while others, the pain is suffocating and all I want to do is cry even when nothing has happened. Then there are times when all I feel is a slight buzzing annoyance.

Happiness is fleeting, coming and going in short bursts. Just the past few weeks, there have been at least 5 times when I feel perfectly content, only for reality to bite me back in the ass after a mere couple of days. Why so cruel?

Okay, two times it was my own fault because of my itchy hands, morbid curiosity and proficient CSI skills. I would have been impressed with myself if I wasn’t so sad.

I find out about everything… you just don’t know it. — John Stamos (@KaneZipperman) May 19, 2015

I know about lots of things and more than I let on. Just because I don’t say anything, doesn’t mean I don’t feel anything. I can be an ice queen / tough bitch / independent soul but I have feelings too. Never mind, I’m too old for this cryptic passive-aggressive shit.

So because the sadness was mostly self-inflicted, I got over those 2 occasions. Another 1 left me annoyed and pissy rather than upset but I got over it too.

But the 4th time was such an unexpected bombshell because I wasn’t even doing anything. All I wanted was to enjoy a nice dinner (14 May) with a friend I seldom see, when he volunteered this bit of information that ruined my whole night and week.

He still has no idea what’s going on. He doesn’t know how much the info he revealed had affected me or what a difference it makes to my life. Crazy huh??? How someone can casually mention something that seemingly has no relation to you, but is actually one of your biggest secrets?

I must be the only person who can be facing this $235 spread (more food not pictured) at Hai Di Lao and yet feel completely miserable. It was supposed to be my treat in return for loads of favours but said friend sneakily footed the bill when I went to the toilet -_-

Misery comes knocking on my door even when I don’t go looking for it. This was a Thursday. Things were made worse by the fact that Monday had been nice while Tuesday and Wednesday left me on cloud nine. I wasn’t just content then, I was walking-on-sunshine happy for some inexplicable reason.

By Saturday, I was feeling so down that I went back to office to do some work even though I wasn’t on duty. Except that I was feeling so confused, hurt and all kinds of fucked up that I ended up full-on crying at my desk by myself.

Then a new week rolled around and somehow, I managed to let it go (I knew I would, because I’m always so weak and predictable). All was good until as usual, my happiness was marred by stuff not within my control.

So resigned to this that I don’t even have anything to say anymore. Just wish I got a proper goodbye in before I leave for Europe because I have a feeling the next hello would be at least a month away. But maybe it’s a blessing in disguise because I’m terrible with goodbyes when it comes to this.

Do you ever feel like crying just by looking at someone? Watching them when they aren’t looking and wanting to just burst into tears for no apparent reason. You aren’t sad. Sometimes you might even be happy. They aren’t tears of happiness or sorrow exactly. You just feel everything so deeply and intensely. You are so overwhelmed by emotions you might not even understand and you don’t know what to do with them, other than cry.

Maybe I am crazy… We all go a little mad sometimes. Haven’t you? #favouritemoviequoteever