All Time Low

Don’t know what to say lah.

Every waking moment I have thoughts running through my head and I keep telling myself to write it down the next chance I get. But I never do. Hardly talk about problems and all the more personal stuff on my blog. My tweets are either happy or pissed off, I tend to not express sadness.

But right now I can tell you that my mood is at an all time low for a variety of reasons I’d rather not talk about. Oh fuck this. I am very upset. With everyone and everything and even myself.

Dark, insecure, over-sensitive, easily upset and jealous side of me is triumphing over the laidback, easily content and happy side. In fact I think it is winning and taking over…

You know few years back I went through this depressed stage as well and there was this time, for few days in a row, I took a pair of scissors and snipped away my hair. Everyday cut some. And I’m not talking about bangs or fringe. I’m talking about the rest of my hair, even the back where I can’t see it.

But for awhile my hair still looked okay? Until one day I made a wrong move and cut wrongly and urghhhhh look like fucking piece of crap and my mom made me go to the hairdresser’s to get a proper haircut. Which is why that time I suddenly had short hair.

Fuck la I now feel like doing it again. Just that this time I’m thinking of cutting rrreally short, like a boy. Also, this time is because I really have a hair-related problem but I shan’t talk about it. Yet.

But I don’t want my hair to be shorter by even an inch T_T I want it to keep growing longer and longer… I already kept it for so long and I think I have the longest hair in class now which makes me all the more not want to cut it but the urge is there!?!

I just wanna scream my lungs out, cry my heart out now… The littlest things are setting me off.

Had a test today and I think I’m gonna fail even though I studied. Wtf had to use what we learnt and apply in the video we had to watch then answer the questions afterwards… don’t understand a single thing.

Sometimes the people around me do little things that upset me. Really trivial stuff but still, I am upset. Yet I can’t blog about it, I can’t tell anybody, I can’t say anything. Unless I want to spoil the relationship. And it’s no biggie anyway? So I just bear with it and it gets all forgotten afterwards.

But seriously, sometimes they know I’ll not be happy about it but they still carry on to do it. I end up feeling so disappointed and let down. And sometimes I feel guilty for thinking negatively about the people I care about and I hate myself with it.

But nevermind, I suppose the problem lies with me. I blame my horoscope. I wonder what the fuck is wrong with me sometimes. If I’m not wishing for someone to disappear, I am wishing for myself to disappear. Why are my moods so extreme and why do they change so fast. Why am I wired like that…

Don’t even know what the heck I’m writing all this for. I am not gonna share the link on other sites so I wonder who will read this. I also want to stop posting on every other site to see who notices but the temptation is too great.

Hahaha yeah I am such an attention whore.
And I can honestly tell you that deep down, I am really (over) sensitive and insecure and loads more negative shit. I wish they would go away but they just stick to me and I can’t help feeling all these horrid stuff…

I want to quickly publish a book and then commit suicide except that I am not writing anything at all so I guess I’ll die as a nobody. Oh well nothing new. I don’t even understand why people think I am popular or famous. Never ever said that I was and still don’t think so.

Don’t worry though, at the rate things are going, nothing is gonna happen. I will probably turn out leading a mundane life as a bitter person who hates everyone else.

Sigh. Whatever.
Finance test tomorrow and I haven’t even touched my book.

What the fuck is wrong with me.