Inadequate speck of dust

Ask yourself –

So far in your life, have you accomplished anything that’s worth mentioning and telling other people about?

I haven’t.
And the more I think about it, the more depressed I get.

Already turning seventeen soon and I still haven’t achieved a single shit. Nothing. Nada. Absolute zilch. Don’t tell me that I’m still young – there are loads of people out there who are younger and more successful that I’ve ever been.

Been feeling quite downcast these days. Especially after seeing so many super pretty or super successful or super anything people online. While I’m still here idling my life away.

Wtf really don’t wanna die a nobody that hardly anyone remembers. I’m really afraid of the future. What will my life and I be like years down the road? I don’t want to be stuck in some boring office job. Or stuck at home as some haggard housewife.

Cannot imagine myself living so meaninglessly. One thing I absolutely cannot stand is having no excitement or drama at all in my life. I’d rather die than lead such a dull existence.

In fact, this whole thing is becoming such an obsession that I’m even applying such thinking into my death. Yes I’ve thought about dying and how I’m going to die – haven’t you all? I don’t wanna die a boring death. Like in a disaster, along with countless others. I’d be forgotten and become just a statistic. How sad is that? An untimely death would be good.

I’m just one average human in this whole wide world of don’t know how many billions. At times I really wish I was Somebody. Yes with a capital S. Doing something worthy. Somebody Sensational that leaves an impact on others, someone memorable. But I’m not.

I’m not super rich, super smart, super pretty, super cute, super sexy, super glamourous, super famous, super stylish or super anything. I’m like… super nothing? I’m just plain old boring me. Ordinary. Average. Don’t even have any accomplishments worth speaking of. Blekkkk.

And I feel even smaller after seeing all those people on the Internet. Makes me feel even more ugly and inadequate only. Not that I’m unhappy with the way I look or unhappy with my life now, but sometimes you just can’t help having such depressive thoughts. They just come. At times you wonder why are you not better in some way or other, no? Still, there will always be tons of people out there who are better than you.

Been feeling ugly and inadequate nowadays with all these shitty thoughts for awhile now. Like seriously in need of some confidence boost. I even removed my profile pictures on Facebook and Twitter not long ago. For a day I was just a grey faceless silhouette and a purple egg. But then yesterday just went to upload new pictures. Even then they aren’t of myself or my face but instead, rainbow sheep. Sigh.

Starting to become anti-social also because I stopped signing in to MSN. Aiya whatever lah not like a lot of people finding me urgently or what. I’m still contactable if you need me.

I know I have Dear Love. But seriously who am I kidding? It’s not some bigass household name that everyone has heard of. And that’s what I want. That’s what I’m aiming for. And I prolly won’t be satisfied until I reach that level. I know it seems so faraway… but a girl can dream, right? How do you even know before you have tried? I’m trying, all right?

Despite all the negativity these days, I’ve never thought of deleting Dear Love and calling it quits. Never. Initially I thought I would give up halfway or lose interest and forget about the whole thing, like I usually do. But I guess this time it’s different. And you know what? It’s a nice feeling. To have something to fall back on and depend on, something to be passionate about, something you would fight for. It really is.

Honestly it’s like one of the bright spots in my life and I’m so glad I started the whole thing. Thinking about it makes me feel less worthless. That at least I’m doing something, even if it’s not much. You can sort of say it rescued me from the deepest throes of depression everytime I feel myself falling in.

Though sometimes I really wonder if I’m biting off more than I can chew. Not easy trying to keep up with all 3 sites and it’s still making progress but very slow nowadays. Plus I think I made it have low EQ. It kinda resembles me; antisocial and don’t really like to mingle. Dear Love hardly replies people or follow anyone, if you’ve noticed.

It’s a Scorpio trait, next time I copy-paste the whole thing and share with you all. Scorpios only need a small but close group of people to go through life with, we don’t appreciate fair-weathered friends. That’s why I keep my Facebook, Twitter, Plurk, and MSN friends to a minimum. I don’t care if we know each other or not. If we aren’t close friends or you hardly talk to me, byebye *delete*. Even ex-classmates, I will not hesitate to delete.

I think Dear Love would have made quicker progress if it wasn’t so antisocial and mingle with other quote accounts more but who the fuck cares? I just want to express how I feel sometimes and be doing something so the number of fans is secondary. At least I know that I actually have some very loyal friends, and to me that’s enough.

Anw, hope that I can stop feeling so negative soon. But sometimes it’s just plain hard, especially when I see all the pretty girls online. Especially those who are pretty AND talented. Especially in today’s world where only stick thin, flawless people are perceived to be good-looking while fat and ugly people are discriminated by society.

Haven’t you all felt like this before???
Like no matter what you do, it’s never enough? No matter how good you already are, you still think it’s not enough???

Just ranting… I don’t often express my negativity online because usually it’s a come-and-go feeling. Just thought that this time round, I should share it because I know that I’m not the only one who will feel this way.

K feels nice getting all of these off my chest.

That’s what I’m afraid of… not being enough. Not good enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough.

– Sophia Bush

Somedays I feel like an immaculate diamond.
Other days I feel like inadequate speck of dust.

Damn irritated with Wordmobi because everytime I type finish one whole entry, I choose the wrong option (being still unfamiliar with it) and the whole thing is gone. This entry took me 3 tries. Not type halfway then gone you know. It’s type finish then gone.