twiinklex ❤

Bad decisions make good stories. And I always have a good story.

twiinklex ❤
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Tag: Game of Thrones

Goodbye, June

I haven’t been able to read a book and I feel like a crap pet owner ever since recent events, but I have been going back to read a lot of old stuff, which has helped in some ways.

I got reminded about how two years ago I wrote that Game Of Thrones was more than just a show to me because it always inspired me and gave me strength at times when I really needed it. Up till Season 6 anyway, and then the finale was so disappointing that I pretty much forgot about the show.

(Also lol @ how I wrote that I would never allow myself to be vulnerable again and failed miserably)

Went to the gym today (finally) to feel better and I watched Daenerys scenes again because her strength and perseverance never fails to encourage me to keep running. And it reminded me of why I was so pissed off with the finale and the ending they gave her.

Daenerys ending

I was always rooting for Daenerys. In some ways, believing in her made me believe that maybe I could be strong too despite everything. Just like her.

Despite all the crap thrown her way and everything she went through, she overcame them all. From having nothing to having everything. From losing everything to bouncing back with more than ever. A symbol of strength and courage and everything I wish I could be.

I loved watching her scenes. Until they made her go psycho within a couple of episodes, rushing through everything just because they wanted to wrap up the entire show.

tara banks rooting for you

I hated the ending for almost every character in the show actually, except for Theon which I thought was really well done. But everyone else deserved so much better after everything they had been through.

It just makes you wonder if you can ever really break free from the past. All it took was a few days and I find myself once again engaging in toxic and self-destructive behaviour that I thought I’d left behind. And no, I’m not talking about anything related to food or alcohol.

Anyway this is really a random post but I just wanted to write it down.


Work in progress

June 19, 2018 / 11:18PM

I feel good today. And I want to stop feeling bad and guilty and ashamed over something that’s not entirely my fault or my own doing to begin with, especially when there’s nothing I can do but wait it out and hope for the best. Especially when my feelings are not being considered, so I should be selfish and just focus on myself too.

Hopefully this positive vibe lasts… maybe it’s because I went to the gym today and had a rather long run. Was rewatching Game of Thrones scenes on the treadmill and I got reminded of how the show helped me to be strong at a time when I really needed it.

game of thrones inspiring

I meant to tweet this (sometime in 2016 when Season 6 was airing) but never did and it’s been sitting in my drafts ever since. But it’s really more than just a show to me because it has taught and inspired me so, so much.

Rewatching Daenerys destroy all her enemies and Cersei blow up the city today reminded me of the strong female like them that I’m supposed to be. How could I have forgotten and allowed other people to make me feel bad about myself? I got carried away, let my guard down and made myself vulnerable once more… but never again.

all men must die but we are not men gif

Anyway, I wonder at what point will I finally stop this fixation with being thin??? I don’t think I have been this weight since my school days and yet I still don’t feel like it’s enough. And I get the feeling that I’ll never be satisfied.

Also, I realised that it’s very easy to not eat when your mood is shitty and you have no appetite. As compared to exercising all your willpower and discipline to starve. For the past few days, I’ve been eating only one meal a day but I can’t even finish my food.

Today I was at Toast Box and wanted to get toast because I planned on going to the gym instead of eating lunch. While queuing, I Googled how many calories there would be in butter toast (I don’t like kaya or peanut butter which are healthier alternatives).

butter toast calories

Walao I was so horrified upon seeing this (especially the butter part) that I decided not to order it at all and just got tea (coffee is my toxic bff lol). I wish I could stop obsessing over numbers (calories, weight etc) but I can’t help it.

I was also telling Farah that I feel like my hair is thinning because it keeps dropping but her hair looks very thick and nice. Then she said actually she drops a lot of hair and that mine looks thick to her HAHAHA. So I get that a lot of it is really just in my head… but how do you stop compulsive behaviour?

But it’s ok I’m a work in progress and one day at a time ok. I think I’ve got exercise and diet down fine, but it’s sleep which I’ve always had a problem with. Now my new rule is lights out before midnight, so that I’ll sleep earlier, and I’ve been trying to follow it.

You know, as much as I whine and wallow sometimes, I do like my life. Crazy and messy it might be, but at least it’s never boring and I do like living.