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We all go a little mad sometimes

I’m fine, really.

Call it a momentary psychotic break, temporary insanity, a meltdown, something I needed to do to purge it out of my system, whatever. So I relapsed for One Day, big freaking deal.

pyscho normal bates gif

Haven’t you? Norman Bates

Perhaps there’s a handful of people who now think the worst of me or that I’m a horrid human being or that I seriously need help… but so what? Doesn’t matter. Ultimately, they are just fleeting people whose opinions don’t matter. I get that now.

Cos goddamn it I realise that sometimes I just need to cut myself some slack. It hasn’t even been a month. Who hasn’t had a bad day or made mistakes? At the end of the day, all I have is myself so I really gotta be kinder to myself. Be your own biggest cheerleader and everything.

The thing about life is you are allowed to start over anytime. Every day is a new day to start afresh, a new beginning. So yeah I had one bad day, now let’s move on. Back to normal life.

In 2016, I read this book called Reasons To Stay Alive by Matt Haig. I felt like it… saved me. One of those rare books that just seem to get it. Decided to re-read it earlier and even though I don’t feel the same level of despair now as I did then, it’s still relevant.

reasons to stay alive matt haig

First and foremost, I feel like the book acknowledges your pain and what you are going through before anything else. Not try to give you solutions or explain anything or say all the usual cliches. It acknowledges how you are feeling and that it’s okay to feel that way.

And sometimes that’s all you want. For someone to acknowledge what you are going through and not tell you things you already know like ‘it happens’ or ‘it’s part of life’ or ‘time will heal everything’ or ‘get over it’. You think I don’t know all of that already?

reasons to stay alive

Instead of telling you that you are not alone, that there are people who love you, who will listen to you, who care for you (which I’m sure all of us already know), it acknowledges that pain, no matter how small, is a very isolating experience.

Which I completely agree with. As much as I love my loved ones, there are still things I’ll never be able to share and things nobody else will ever get.

reasons to stay alive

It’s all I have been doing. I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to go anything beyond a one-liner when people ask why. I want you to accept it, to believe it when I say I’m okay. I like it when people buy it and say I seem to be coping well. At least I can do one thing right.

Of course, I have been slipping up recently. The cracks are starting to show. Excuse me while I patch them up. Meanwhile, please play along, thank you very much.

reasons to stay alive

reasons to stay alive

reasons to stay alive

This is true. I meant it when I say nothing can hurt me as much now. I’ve felt worse. I’ve had worse days. Last Friday and 27 days ago? Inconsequential.

reasons to stay alive

That soft warm cushioning of existence that is so comforting you end up forgetting the hangover that will ensue 🙂!!! In another chapter, he wrote that if you can’t stop at the first glass, you are probably not stopping at the third. Tell me about it.

Admittedly it feels nice to be high and light and numb to the bad stuff… until you are off your fucking face and by then it’s too late.

reasons to stay alive

Why when faced with Sensible Choices and Bad Decisions, more often than not I end up choosing the latter. And I’m not the only one.

reasons to stay alive

reasons to stay alive

I wish I listened to myself more. Honestly, I do know what works for me and what doesn’t. Been there, done that. But sometimes you have to go through it for it to sink in. I knew I was on the path of self-destruction but I forgot how it felt like to bask in regret and self-loathing so now I have my reminder.

reasons to stay alive

reasons to stay alive

Keep going, keep going, keep going. The only way out is through.

You did it before, you can do it again.

reasons to stay alive

Which brings me back to what I wrote at the start.

I’m going to be okay.


Little Women and little signs

I watched Little Women (2019) on Netflix recently and it reminded me of how I had this whole Twitter thread while reading the book in 2018. I’ve never watched the other movie adaptations but I quite liked this one and the plot is essentially the same.

little women 2019 movie

Firstly, Beth is the most precious and deserved so much better!!! I feel like Louisa May Alcott just wants to dish out life lessons and a dose of reality even though it’s a fiction book (maybe that’s what makes it a timeless classic). Sometimes bad things happen to good people 😞

And oh ya she cheated my feelings because Beth recovered only to die again wtf.

But most importantly, Jo and Laurie!!!

little women jo laurie

I feel like it’s impossible not to wish that they end up together while you are reading the book and their scenes together? They just seem right for each other and the chemistry is woooo.

But halfway through I kena spoilers and it wasn’t so fun anymore.

little women book

Nevertheless, I’m not a quitter so I continued with the book despite knowing that not only does Laurie not get together with Jo, he ends up with my least favourite character 👿

little women jo and laurie

See, they address each other so affectionately (it happens a lot, by the way, unlike in the movie where Jo says ‘my boy’ only ONCE) and yet we are expected to accept that they are not endgame!!!

Why would you do that??!?!?!?!

little women jo laurie

Then Laurie declares his undying love but is brutally turned down.

He goes a bit off the rails by gallivanting in Europe (ah, sweet old self-destruction because we all need a coping mechanism) when suddenly…

little women laurie amy

He decides that he loves Amy aka Jo’s younger sister aka the brattiest and worst sister!!!!? And it just sucks because it seemed like 75% of the book was building up Jo and Laurie, until Jo rejects him and suddenly he decides he loves Amy!!!!?

“Laurie decided that Amy was the only woman in the world who could fill Jo’s place…” HELLOOO why is it even written to sound like Amy is just a replacement for Jo?! At least if the author had spent more time building up Jo and Amy, then I might buy it. But noooo all we get is this.

Like they are just content and satisfied and that’s it. But content and satisfied is not enough!!!

mediocre love quote

Ok maybe I’m an idealist but I did grow up on romance novels (no idea why I turned into a thriller fanatic)… and I just feel like both Amy and Laurie deserved more than what seemed like a subpar love as compared to the relationship he had with Jo.

laurie jo gif

And yes I know real love is comfortable and not fireworks all the time but you’ll get what I mean if you read the book!! In the end I only rated it 3/5 stars despite all my emotional investment. Bummer.

little women ending

But logically, I totally get why Jo and Laurie didn’t end up together and why they would have not worked if they really did get married. They are just too different and they have totally different views/ideals/needs. Probably would have combusted in flames?

Meanwhile, Amy was the one who pushed Laurie out of his rut after he kinda lost it. Even though I never got *that* vibe from them in the book nor do I remember him looking at her the way he looked at Jo in the movie… (of course, you could say it was the good casting)

laurie jo 2019

What I’m trying to say is that sometimes two people might seem like a perfect match on the surface but actually aren’t.

A lot of my friends were shocked and in disbelief when I broke the news, which I can totally understand. I mean, I told my inner circle just to update them but I didn’t really go into detail as to ‘why’ even though that’s what everyone wants to know (I usually just gave a standard one-liner). But I don’t think it matters why and it’s not something I can accurately summarise to people outside the relationship (as the saying goes, there’s three sides to every story).

Even now, I am not writing shitloads or essay after essay like I have done in the past.

I just think everyone’s reactions are interesting. Deborah keeps saying, “I still can’t believe it leh” (believe it, cos it happened 😂). Farah said she “can’t imagine” who was the one who called it quits (not me). And those I asked all seem to think I was the one who wanted it (I wasn’t). Others were like, “I thought you guys were doing well/such a good match!” or something along those lines.

But it’s very easy to feel that way when you are watching from the outside, reading my sappy tweets and watching me gush on Instagram Stories.

Sadness is a lot more subtle, but the signs were there.

reassurance and consistency

prioritise your loved ones

honeymoon period myth

This one was from 2019 so I don’t really remember if there was something, however small, that happened to make me able to relate enough to retweet.

Sometimes I undo retweets or delete my tweets after the feeling passes, determined to just stay positive and carry on with no conflict. But some I refuse to delete because these are my beliefs and I stand by them, even now. Also because I need reminders that it isn’t sunshine and rainbows all the time.

make time for what you lovw

This one was bad enough for me to tweet something and not delete it afterwards. Of course, I’m by no means blameless or faultless. And if there’s a first needle, there’s also a second and a third and eventually at some point (pun intended), it has to stop.

Anyway, for all of Jo’s love for literature and flair for writing and wanting to stay true to herself, I am obviously the Laurie in this story 😂 But I’ve learnt to be okay with that too.