October 19, 2017
Didn’t expect to be writing this, especially since I’m tiring of reading about Harvey Weinstein and how there’s like a new allegation every day. Not that I don’t believe the victims. I do. But I don’t understand why people are acting so shocked and why the media is making it seem like a huge thing when this kind of things happens everywhere and all the time. Isn’t it like a norm? You will see what I mean after this post.
I was reading some of my old blog posts and now it’s past 6am but I can’t sleep. I used to write and blog a lot more. Writing has always been my way of venting and destressing. I don’t really confide in people when it comes to the darker stuff. I have a lot of private blog posts that have never been made public nor read by anyone else other than me. They are often lengthy because they detail every single thing I was feeling or went through.
The following screenshots are from one particular private entry that I wrote in April 2014, when I was 20 years old.
The events described below all happened around that same time in the same month. Not the first few times I have been harrassed nor will they be the last. I am just sharing one… month of my life that I happened to record.
At that time, I had just started working full-time at SPH (still here, for anyone who’s wondering). I guess I was quite a different person back then. Still quite naive and innocent, also a bit bored and curious when it comes to life.
I have omitted names due to privacy reasons but mostly because I am still a coward. Am also because I’m still acquaintainces/Facebook friends with some of the guys named in this post, though I doubt they will know it’s them or remember what they did. Other omissions include self-degrading language e.g. calling myself names etc.
Some guy I went out with for the second time when this happened:
This is actually extremely mild but still irritating and now that I think about it, inappropriate conversation for a second meeting.
Some guy that I went out with for the first time:
Like I said, I was still quite young, naive and foolish at that time. I legit thought we were just looking at fish but I guess not everyone truly adores animals like I do. Instead they use animals to bait me as prey.
Anyway everything felt like it happened very fast and he was using quite a bit of force (like literally pulling/dragging me to the room) and that time I was thinner than I am now. Funny thing was his mother was at home and even said hi to me when we were in the living room.
I don’t know how to describe that surreal, out-of-my-body feeling… Maybe that’s my mind’s way of self-defense. But fortunately, nothing happened and I escape unharmed. Don’t know if he changed his mind or what but I was very lucky.
What’s strange is that I wasn’t very traumatised. Not sure if I am too desensitized. And no I never went out with him again, though he is still on my Facebook and once gave me a story scoop (about a snake sighting lolllllll).
Went out two or three times because I was never really into it. Also, I feel that he liked plying me with alcohol. Though if that was part of any plan he had, it never worked.
With men, I have realised that you can obviously look very unwilling and reluctant (whether through body language or speech) and even outright say no but they will not get it or refuse to.
From here onwards are the ones I feel most emotionally hurt over, because these were guys I cared about and not random hi-bye ones like the above.
C was dating A for the longest time and I knew both of them through David. The four of us used to always go to JB together. With them, I actually had fun and wasn’t faking it or having to be socially graceful like with the above guys.
By this point, I was already feeling quite sick of men so when this happened, I was quite shocked because I wasn’t expecting it from someone I’d considered to be a friend.
David and I have always been just platonic friends but I don’t know why everyone else always assumes otherwise. I did tell him about C but I didn’t make a fuss about it, especially because A was supposedly in the dark.
Anyway the friendship eventually drifted because David moved to Australia, while C and A broke up (duh) shortly after applying for a BTO flat.
But A did text me out of the blue one day after their breakup, asking to meet. I don’t know if she knew something or was trying to fish for info, but I didn’t go.
Someone I was quite close to when we were younger and whom I looked up to. But not anymore. This happened when I was 14 but it’s painful to think about even now. I like to blame him for being the start of everything and many other things.
Very infuriatingly he happens to be one of those people whom everyone thinks is perfect and oh so wonderful but you know what they are really like, gag me please. If I had a list of names like Arya Stark, I would place him at #2.
I said “tried to…” (which implies an unsuccessful attempt), but what I meant is he did what he did, not once but on two separate occasions. I will never forget the way my entire body froze up and my fingers turned icy and I was trembling but me being me, I just said I was cold. He told me not to tell anyone and I never did… until now.
Anyway, concluding the private post from 2014:
It’s easier to just let people think what they want, even now. That I am spineless, reckless, asking for it and whatnot. I was never into any of these guys but I guess I was curious and bored and craved attention. I don’t know why I am sharing this either because I might wake up and regret it.
Do I feel better? Not really. But people should know that this kind of shit can happen to anyone anywhere, not just in Hollywood. Sadly I am at a point where I just see it as a part of life to deal with.