June 26, 2012
Actually, the real reason I haven’t been updating as frequently is because I’m starting to feel fake writing all these happy stuff, trying so hard to omit all the less-than-happy details and forget about it, just focusing on the good stuff. I try, I really do. Who doesn’t want to be happy? But it’s not working and I just find it increasingly hard to update properly. I simply can’t bring myself to fake being happy when I’m not.
It’s not that I pretend something is happy when it’s not. Not really. More of like I just avoid mentioning all the bad stuff altogether. Keep feeling and realising things, and it just makes everything else I know to be a lie. All of the entries that’s been published before, a lie, all of it. What I know to be true… or thought was true… it just all feels like a lie now.
Yes you can say something significant happened to trigger this feeling of everything seeming like a lie. And I try to get over it but it seems like every aspect of my life has something happening to make me feel, “Why bother? Why fucking bother?”
To be honest I don’t know why I make myself out to be someone who’s so happy on my blog. It’s like I am trying to convince myself that I am, that I just have to think positive and focus on the good stuff. But hey guess what, it’s not really working and I just end up feeling disturbed and terrible pretty often. Don’t get me wrong. I do feel happy-ish and I do have fun but I just wouldn’t actually say I’m happy and mean it.
Content yes, grateful yes, happy-ish yes. And with that comes insecurity, self-consciousness, paranoia of epic proportions (oh god it fucking kills me and I just wish I can fucking stop but I can’t and I don’t know why) blah blah blah.
Let’s take the previous post on the photoshoot as an example. I was happy and I did have fun but I did not mention all the other negative things. I was hesitant to even participate in the first place because everyone else seems so stylish/fashionable/pretty/adorable while here I am with my herp derpy self. Not entirely sure I belong in the picture.
I posted some studio shots but none of them were solos of me because hey guess what, I thought I looked fucking horrible in them. Still the whole time I kept telling myself to just stop being so self-conscious and paranoid and insecure and JUST HAVE FUN. So it actually worked and I had a great time nonetheless.
Till at night when the pictures were all uploaded and I actually felt really depressed at how I looked and starting ranting to my friends. I honestly thought the best shot of me that day was the one of my back view with my hair. Then I felt like everyone who complimented me that day lied to me wtf which is fucking ridiculous and just me being me.
I am sorry I know it’s annoying being constantly negative but it’s not like I don’t try or maybe I just don’t try hard enough. And people are always so disappointing but why is it like that. Do I disappoint anyone? I hate it when people say something, makes you full of anticipation, only to not go through with it. I hate it I hate it I hate it but I tell myself to suck it up anyway but there is only so much one person can take. Honestly I just feel so under-appreciated more often than not…
Sometimes I wake up full of promise for the day, all hopeful and positive, then one extremely minor thing can ruin it all. Why do I have to be this way. My paranoia and oversensitivity just ruins it all and I just end up sitting at one side feeling like one sad little fuck.
Today I went to the school toilet, sat down on the bowl and just spent time trying to finish my ebook. Only came out when I did and the cleaning lady started banging her mop everywhere and slamming doors to show her displeasure. Yes I get it but fuck off. Wonder if there’s a quieter and more serene hideout but just as personal? Not the first time I did this and I just wanna stay in my own space, undisturbed, doing my own thing.
Sorry if I annoy you… I probably do. And now I’m thinking that I might have said too much so bye. Remember not to take anything personally because it’s probably just me.
