twiinklex ❤

Posts Tagged ‘rants’

Truth…?

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June 26th, 2012 Posted 1:12 am

Actually, the real reason I haven’t been updating as frequently is because I’m starting to feel fake writing all these happy stuff, trying so hard to omit all the less-than-happy details and forget about it, just focusing on the good stuff. I try, I really do. Who doesn’t want to be happy? But it’s not working and I just find it increasingly hard to update properly. I simply can’t bring myself to fake being happy when I’m not.

It’s not that I pretend something is happy when it’s not. Not really. More of like I just avoid mentioning all the bad stuff altogether. Keep feeling and realising things, and it just makes everything else I know to be a lie. All of the entries that’s been published before, a lie, all of it. What I know to be true… or thought was true… it just all feels like a lie now.

Yes you can say something significant happened to trigger this feeling of everything seeming like a lie. And I try to get over it but it seems like every aspect of my life has something happening to make me feel, “Why bother? Why fucking bother?”

To be honest I don’t know why I make myself out to be someone who’s so happy on my blog. It’s like I am trying to convince myself that I am, that I just have to think positive and focus on the good stuff. But hey guess what, it’s not really working and I just end up feeling disturbed and terrible pretty often. Don’t get me wrong. I do feel happy-ish and I do have fun but I just wouldn’t actually say I’m happy and mean it.

Content yes, grateful yes, happy-ish yes. And with that comes insecurity, self-consciousness, paranoia of epic proportions (oh god it fucking kills me and I just wish I can fucking stop but I can’t and I don’t know why) blah blah blah.

Let’s take the previous post on the photoshoot as an example. I was happy and I did have fun but I did not mention all the other negative things. I was hesitant to even participate in the first place because everyone else seems so stylish/fashionable/pretty/adorable while here I am with my herp derpy self. Not entirely sure I belong in the picture.

I posted some studio shots but none of them were solos of me because hey guess what, I thought I looked fucking horrible in them. Still the whole time I kept telling myself to just stop being so self-conscious and paranoid and insecure and JUST HAVE FUN. So it actually worked and I had a great time nonetheless.

Till at night when the pictures were all uploaded and I actually felt really depressed at how I looked and starting ranting to my friends. I honestly thought the best shot of me that day was the one of my back view with my hair. Then I felt like everyone who complimented me that day lied to me wtf which is fucking ridiculous and just me being me.

I am sorry I know it’s annoying being constantly negative but it’s not like I don’t try or maybe I just don’t try hard enough. And people are always so disappointing but why is it like that. Do I disappoint anyone? I hate it when people say something, makes you full of anticipation, only to not go through with it. I hate it I hate it I hate it but I tell myself to suck it up anyway but there is only so much one person can take. Honestly I just feel so under-appreciated more often than not…

Sometimes I wake up full of promise for the day, all hopeful and positive, then one extremely minor thing can ruin it all. Why do I have to be this way. My paranoia and oversensitivity just ruins it all and I just end up sitting at one side feeling like one sad little fuck.

Today I went to the school toilet, sat down on the bowl and just spent time trying to finish my ebook. Only came out when I did and the cleaning lady started banging her mop everywhere and slamming doors to show her displeasure. Yes I get it but fuck off. Wonder if there’s a quieter and more serene hideout but just as personal? Not the first time I did this and I just wanna stay in my own space, undisturbed, doing my own thing.

Sorry if I annoy you… I probably do. And now I’m thinking that I might have said too much so bye. Remember not to take anything personally because it’s probably just me.

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Fate

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May 27th, 2012 Posted 1:19 am

Shopping is cheaper than a psychiatrist

Do you believe in fate? I think I do because for over a century, I have lived in secret. I know the risk, but I have to know her.  year I have been coveting this pair of brown high cut shoes from Cotton On/Rubi. There was a storewide 30% discount not long after but I didn’t buy probably because I still found it pricey, and I will always regret it.

So anw, the shoes were available on the shelves at $44.95 (now that’s expensive) for a very long time. I check out the price every now and then but nothing ever happens. And now it’s the GSS season again and the 50% storewide posters are everywhere in Rubi and Cotton On. So being full of hope, I enter the store and it’s like the shoes never existed!!

Even went to town to look for them but the sales assistant just said, “No more”! No more as in all bought or they just kept it aside till GSS is over, I will never know. Wanted to post a picture but I can’t find it, though it’s not a very uncommon pair. Comes in black too.

So you see, sometimes you just have to accept that you and your epic love are not meant to be. It is like having a crush and waiting for the day you can finally be together except that it never comes. Adele is right – Sometimes it lasts in love (a long-lasting pair of shoes) but sometimes it hurts instead (when they spoil before their time and you have to throw them away)!

So dear brown high cut shoes and whoever owns a pair (Geraldine hehe), I wish nothing but the best for youuuu!

They say to never give up on someone/thing you can’t go a day without thinking about.
Oh you mean this pair of shoes, mirror wedges, heart-printed romper, and the 3 dresses?? :))))

Eventually meme

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