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Archive for the ‘Others’ Category

If people were ships

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July 3rd, 2018 Posted 12:52 am

July 03, 2018 / 12:52AM

First of all, I’m not gonna apologise for having feelings or being human or expressing these feelings. A very long time ago, I used to think my blog would always be all sunshine and rainbows and unicorns. That it would at least always be PG13 (errr I saw a lot of clicks on the xoJane article that I hyperlinked in the previous post but I was trying to make a point).

But life isn’t always happy or perfect and it’s because of the downs that we appreciate the ups. Life changes. I changed. Done a lot of shit. Been through shit. Stuff that made me who I am, stuff that’s part of me. I don’t want to pretend that those parts don’t exist or pretend to be someone that I’m not.

arya that's not you gif

Secondly, I am fine, thank you very much, and even if I am not, I will not make sure not to repeat my mistake of confiding in people who aren’t long-time friends. Never again. The walls are back up. Just the way they should be.

Actually, my friends don’t even know half the things I’ve told him. Those were secrets that I held so close to my heart, and there I was, giving away parts of me, to someone who treated it all like it was nothing and left, just like that. It’s one of the things that I find hard to stomach. You think you know someone and they show you differently.

It even seeps into my work lol:

Not gonna lie… I do miss how we used to talk every day. All the banter and conversation and being on the same frequency. It’s very rare to come by but that’s what we had. I was like woah most guys bore me within the first few sentences but he can actually keep up.

I could share legit stuff to very inane crap like obsessing over my hamsters and telling him about people at work or showing him the comments that readers left on my articles or even sending a photo of a random bug in my room (now every time that “dumb bug” comes, I will think about this wtf)…

There were inside jokes and tipsy texts and shared secrets. I felt listened to, in a way no one before has made me feel. I won’t say it was all a lie but perhaps it was only an illusion.

When I compare the way he talked to me in June to how he talked to me before, I realised that I lost him quite awhile ago. And I won’t ask someone who wants to leave to stay.

I guess the suddenness is what really shakes me. I feel blindsided. Even though you know something isn’t going to last, even though it’s likely to go up in flames and you’re probably gonna get your hands burned, it never happens the way you imagine it.

how to say goodbye quote

For comparison…

With W, it was like being on a pirate ship. It looked so inviting and despite all sense and despite knowing you shouldn’t, you boarded it anyway. And wow, you’ve never felt this way before. There were many storms and the sea was always rocky, but the sunny days, rare as they were, made up for it all. You were seasick a lot but you ignored it. There were no secrets spilled either, because you always felt the need to be perfect and on your best behaviour, aware and afraid that this ship could leave you behind anytime.

Then came the shipwreck and you finally decided you had to save yourself, so you jumped overboard. Even though you struggled a lot in the sea, and there were times when you wanted to just let the waves swallow you whole, you eventually made it to shore. All by yourself. You didn’t think you would survive but you did. That’s what you are and that’s what you always do. You survive.

If anything, there was consistency in the inconsistency and toxicity. You always knew it was going to be a perilous voyage. And you got to make the decision of abandoning ship. So while it was hell of a journey, you can’t say you didn’t see everything coming.

With J, it was like boarding a well-equipped cruise ship with all the facilities you could need. The ship was calm and stable and reliable. But you never felt like the ship really ever understood you or what you wanted. Somehow you always felt alone and lonely despite everything that it offered.

You started keeping to yourself and staying in your cabin more and more. Because what was the point of all this finery if you felt no emotional attachment to it? In a way, you never felt right enough on this ship to allow yourself to be emotionally vulnerable. This ship didn’t know the real you and you aren’t sure whether it would be still as welcoming if it did.

You didn’t want to be anchored. You realised that someone else would be able to better appreciate the ship and all that it provided, that the ship deserved a better passenger. So you disembarked. It was a good run. You are finished with this part of the journey.

But this one, with K… I don’t wanna describe what it was like yet because it’s too soon, except that I truly feel like I got pushed off the ship when my back was turned. Two gusts of wind, the second stronger than the first, and suddenly there was limited space on the ship and I became a liability that he couldn’t cut loose fast enough.

The cold of the sea has jolted you awake and you are gasping to catch your breath, trying to remember the lessons you learned from the last time you were in the ocean. Even though it isn’t exactly the same thing, thank god for those lessons.

You know, all along I just wanted for them to care, for me to mean something. Whenever it all falls to pieces, I’m left wondering: Am I not enough? Am I asking for too much? But truth is, I was just asking the wrong people.

I’m gonna stick to walking for a bit.

Fun fact: I can’t cycle and I can’t drive. Actually I can’t swim either.

Posted in Others

What you said versus what you meant

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June 28th, 2018 Posted 12:44 am

June 29, 2018 / 12:44AM

I feel very, very hurt. I have not felt this hurt in a very long time because people don’t usually get close enough to have that power. Because look what happened when I let someone in. And it’s even rarer for me to admit that I am hurt.

I let my guard down and allowed myself to feel, stupidly thinking that it was okay to. I forgot all my self-imposed rules and got emotionally invested. In fact, I am really fucking stupid because I can write this news article and yet not listen to myself. What a joke.

I only had two rules for myself and I broke them both. One of them was to not catch feelings. I’m not going to deny that I did. At the beginning, I made myself suppress it anytime I felt anything. But then you led me to believe that you had feelings too, that you felt the same, that it was okay to feel.

So I stopped fighting it and allowed myself to feel the way I did. I became vulnerable. I gave you the power to hurt me. And you did.

I didn’t realise your feelings were seasonal and depended on circumstances and that they could be taken back when it didn’t suit you anymore. It turned out everything you said was only half complete. I missed the fine print.

  • “I care about you, (if you don’t bring me trouble).”
  • “Of course I think about you and I miss you, (until I am faced with an ultimatum).”
  • “You are pretty and smart and a lot of positive adjectives, (until I realise you have flaws like a normal human being).”
  • “You can always talk to me and tell me anything, (except when I already have enough on my plate).”
  • “I promise you…, (even though I have no right to be making promises that I might not be able to fulfil).”
  • “I don’t care that you are sick, I just want to see you (although it depends on what you are sick with).”
  • “We are human after all so I can’t immerse in it without feelings, (but I can turn mine off anytime).”
  • “You are not a toy or conquest that I’ll disappear on, (but you’re not worth keeping in my life).”
  • “You are not a nobody, (but you will end up being nothing more than a mistake, lesson and regret).”
  • “I won’t lie to you, (I just don’t reveal the whole truth).”

Why tell me all these just to end up tossing me aside the moment things went south?

Why encourage my feelings by telling me that you felt happy and honoured that I tweeted about you, if you were gonna turn on me at the first sign of trouble?

Why try to get my attention for two years, let me spill secrets that I’ve never told anyone, only to make me feel so worthless and stupid after four months?

I struggle to understand many things.

I don’t understand why I was given something that brought me some degree of happiness, only to have it taken away from me so abruptly.

I don’t understand why it was okay for you to take almost 24 hours for you to reply after I told you how I felt, while I was only given half a day before I had the choice taken away from me because you deleted me.

Your text was the very first thing that greeted me when I woke up. There was no warning. It felt like the final stab after a series of blows. Strangely enough, the most painful part of the entire message was its first two words, “very well”.

It sounded so final. Like I was a spoiled brat whom you had given up on. Like you couldn’t wait to be rid of me. Like it was what you had been waiting for. Like my silence liberated you from me because you could always say that I was the one who stopped replying.

I don’t understand what I’m supposed to reply, when nearly every text from you over the last few weeks has felt like a punch to the gut. When all I feel radiating from my screen is condescension and reproach and resentment, even if you say that’s not your intention.

Even when I repeatedly told you how bad your words made me feel, how many times I said I was sorry, it didn’t stop you. I had no problem if you wanted someone to talk to, but I felt like you kept me around just so you could have someone to vent on.

When you say things like you made a mistake, you learnt your lesson, your life feels like it committed suicide, you will never be the same again, you regret taking what you had for granted… And knowing that I made you feel all these… just what am I supposed to reply?

Let’s forget the part where I am affected and having a hard time too, and the part where I was on the verge of tears the last time I saw you.

You said you had enough on your plate. So I removed myself from your plate by not replying. But you took it a step further by removing me from your life completely.

You told me that I’m not your greatest concern. But I never expected to be your greatest concern. I just wanted to know that you cared at least a little. But now I realise that I was never even a concern to begin with.

And before anyone plays the ‘you knew what you were getting into’ card or the ‘what did you expect’ card, please read this in its entirety.

Truth be told, I feel like I’ve had the wind knocked out of me. Because while I’ve imagined many outcomes, even after everything the past few weeks, you turning your back on me, without even knowing whether I’m fine, was the last thing I’d expected.

But in a way, thank you for an illuminating lesson. Because if you could delete me from your life so easily, I – and everything we shared – must not have meant very much to you at all.

Posted in Others