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What you said versus what you meant

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June 28th, 2018 Posted 12:44 am

June 29, 2018 / 12:44AM

I feel very, very hurt. I have not felt this hurt in a very long time because people don’t usually get close enough to have that power. Because look what happened when I let someone in. And it’s even rarer for me to admit that I am hurt.

I let my guard down and allowed myself to feel, stupidly thinking that it was okay to. I forgot all my self-imposed rules and got emotionally invested. In fact, I am really fucking stupid because I can write this news article and yet not listen to myself. What a joke.

I only had two rules for myself and I broke them both. One of them was to not catch feelings. I’m not going to deny that I did. At the beginning, I made myself suppress it anytime I felt anything. But then you led me to believe that you had feelings too, that you felt the same, that it was okay to feel.

So I stopped fighting it and allowed myself to feel the way I did. I became vulnerable. I gave you the power to hurt me. And you did.

I didn’t realise your feelings were seasonal and depended on circumstances and that they could be taken back when it didn’t suit you anymore. It turned out everything you said was only half complete. I missed the fine print.

  • “I care about you, (if you don’t bring me trouble).”
  • “Of course I think about you and I miss you, (until I am faced with an ultimatum).”
  • “You are pretty and smart and a lot of positive adjectives, (until I realise you have flaws like a normal human being).”
  • “You can always talk to me and tell me anything, (except when I already have enough on my plate).”
  • “I promise you…, (even though I have no right to be making promises that I might not be able to fulfil).”
  • “I don’t care that you are sick, I just want to see you (although it depends on what you are sick with).”
  • “We are human after all so I can’t immerse in it without feelings, (but I can turn mine off anytime).”
  • “You are not a toy or conquest that I’ll disappear on, (but you’re not worth keeping in my life).”
  • “You are not a nobody, (but you will end up being nothing more than a mistake, lesson and regret).”
  • “I won’t lie to you, (I just don’t reveal the whole truth).”

Why tell me all these just to end up tossing me aside the moment things went south?

Why encourage my feelings by telling me that you felt happy and honoured that I tweeted about you, if you were gonna turn on me at the first sign of trouble?

Why try to get my attention for two years, let me spill secrets that I’ve never told anyone, only to make me feel so worthless and stupid after four months?

I struggle to understand many things.

I don’t understand why I was given something that brought me some degree of happiness, only to have it taken away from me so abruptly.

I don’t understand why it was okay for you to take almost 24 hours for you to reply after I told you how I felt, while I was only given half a day before I had the choice taken away from me because you deleted me.

Your text was the very first thing that greeted me when I woke up. There was no warning. It felt like the final stab after a series of blows. Strangely enough, the most painful part of the entire message was its first two words, “very well”.

It sounded so final. Like I was a spoiled brat whom you had given up on. Like you couldn’t wait to be rid of me. Like it was what you had been waiting for. Like my silence liberated you from me because you could always say that I was the one who stopped replying.

I don’t understand what I’m supposed to reply, when nearly every text from you over the last few weeks has felt like a punch to the gut. When all I feel radiating from my screen is condescension and reproach and resentment, even if you say that’s not your intention.

Even when I repeatedly told you how bad your words made me feel, how many times I said I was sorry, it didn’t stop you. I had no problem if you wanted someone to talk to, but I felt like you kept me around just so you could have someone to vent on.

When you say things like you made a mistake, you learnt your lesson, your life feels like it committed suicide, you will never be the same again, you regret taking what you had for granted… And knowing that I made you feel all these… just what am I supposed to reply?

Let’s forget the part where I am affected and having a hard time too, and the part where I was on the verge of tears the last time I saw you.

You said you had enough on your plate. So I removed myself from your plate by not replying. But you took it a step further by removing me from your life completely.

You told me that I’m not your greatest concern. But I never expected to be your greatest concern. I just wanted to know that you cared at least a little. But now I realise that I was never even a concern to begin with.

And before anyone plays the ‘you knew what you were getting into’ card or the ‘what did you expect’ card, please read this in its entirety.

Truth be told, I feel like I’ve had the wind knocked out of me. Because while I’ve imagined many outcomes, even after everything the past few weeks, you turning your back on me, without even knowing whether I’m fine, was the last thing I’d expected.

But in a way, thank you for an illuminating lesson. Because if you could delete me from your life so easily, I – and everything we shared – must not have meant very much to you at all.

Posted in Others

Work in progress

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June 19th, 2018 Posted 11:18 pm

June 19, 2018 / 11:18PM

I feel good today. And I want to stop feeling bad and guilty and ashamed over something that’s not entirely my fault or my own doing to begin with, especially when there’s nothing I can do but wait it out and hope for the best. Especially when my feelings are not being considered, so I should be selfish and just focus on myself too.

Hopefully this positive vibe lasts… maybe it’s because I went to the gym today and had a rather long run. Was rewatching Game of Thrones scenes on the treadmill and I got reminded of how the show helped me to be strong at a time when I really needed it.

game of thrones inspiring

I meant to tweet this (sometime in 2016 when Season 6 was airing) but never did and it’s been sitting in my drafts ever since. But it’s really more than just a show to me because it has taught and inspired me so much.

Rewatching Daenerys destroy all her enemies and Cersei blow up the city today reminded me of the strong female like them that I’m supposed to be. How could I have forgotten and allowed other people to make me feel bad about myself? I got carried away, let my guard down and made myself vulnerable once more… but never again.

all men must die but we are not men gif

Anyway, I wonder at what point will I finally stop this fixation with being thin??? I don’t think I have been this weight since my school days and yet I still don’t feel like it’s enough. And I get the feeling that I’ll never be satisfied.

It saddens me that I am no longer a 36C but I guess you can’t have the best of both worlds ? Sucks that I still have new bras in that size that I have yet to wear!! I don’t wanna be flat but I also don’t wanna be fat and I also worry about over-running and being too muscular.

Also, I realised that it’s very easy to not eat when your mood is shitty and you have no appetite. As compared to exercising all your willpower and discipline to starve. For the past few days, I’ve been eating only one meal a day but I can’t even finish my food.

Today I was at Toast Box and wanted to get toast because I planned on going to the gym instead of eating lunch. While queuing, I Googled how many calories there would be in butter toast (I don’t like kaya or peanut butter which are healthier alternatives).

butter toast calories

Walao I was so horrified upon seeing this (especially the butter part) that I decided not to order it at all and just got tea (coffee is my toxic bff lol). I wish I could stop obsessing over numbers (calories, weight etc) but I can’t help it.

I was also telling Farah that I feel like my hair is thinning because it keeps dropping but her hair looks very thick and nice. Then she said actually she drops a lot of hair and that mine looks thick to her HAHAHA. So I get that a lot of it is really just in my head… but how do you stop compulsive behaviour?

But it’s ok I’m a work in progress and one day at a time ok. I think I’ve got exercise and diet down fine, but it’s sleep which I’ve always had a problem with. Now my new rule is lights out before midnight, so that I’ll sleep earlier, and I’ve been trying to follow it.

You know, as much as I whine and wallow sometimes, I do like my life. Crazy and messy it might be, but at least it’s never boring and I do like living.

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Posted in Others