Live in the moment
April 9, 2019
April 4, 2019 / 05:21PM
“What are you thinking?”
“I’m thinking that I feel happy.”
“You’re thinking that you feel happy because you feel like it’s not going to last.”
“Stop analysing me!”
He’s right but that’s what he does. He sees right through me even when I don’t say anything and he makes me happy. He makes me smile until my cheeks ache, makes me laugh even when I don’t want to, shows up when I don’t expect him to, spends time with me even when he’s busy, waits for me while I go for an important meeting that he says I am going to ace, encourages me and reads my work, and listens to me. He makes me feel safe and loved. He isn’t afraid to show or tell me how he feels.
It’s me who is afraid. I’m afraid that it’s not going to last. Somehow I’m not afraid that he’s going to leave or decide one day that he feels differently. But I’m afraid to lose him anyway. That it will all combust in flames and crumble to dust. Because that’s what happens when sparks fly. It’s what has always happened. Because having something and then losing it is worse than not having it to begin with. Because there is always a catch. Because we all know what they say about things that seem to good to be true.
Which is why I said to live in the moment. And once again he sees through me, telling me I must have been deeply hurt before to say that. I sighed loudly because he is so right and because I don’t want to ruin the present by talking about the past.
But maybe one day I’ll tell him all about it. Maybe.