twiinklex ❤

Jul 3

I hate nights like this when the mere thought of him brings me to tears. I hate pretending to be happy and living my life well when I’m anything but. Just so that I don’t make people worry and so that he can’t have the satisfaction of knowing what he’s done to me. I hate everything.

Yet the thing is, I wish he knew how I truly felt and why I felt like I had no other way out other than to leave even though I didn’t want to. I wish he knew so that he could say all the right things that I want to hear even though I know he doesn’t mean them, make all the pain and hurt go away, make me as happy as I used to be whenever I was with him again. I wish he knew how much I still miss him like crazy and how I feel like nobody will ever be able to make me feel even remotely the same again. But he will never know and even if he does, he won’t care. Not in the way I want him too. That was the whole reason I decided to leave in the end, wasn’t it?

It was always directly something to do with his words or actions. My desire to end things was because of his shitty behaviour and treatment of me, a lack of concern for me, lousy excuses and evading questions even when I was clearly upset. My strength to go through with my decision and make such a clean break came from his stupid one-sentence threat / emotional blackmail. And the fact that I haven’t crumbled or gone running back despite being so miserable is because he simply let me go, without even making an effort to find out what was wrong or bother to fix things. That’s how much I always meant to him, isn’t it.

It wasn’t about the many happy family photos because they are supposed to be there after all plus I am used to that. It wasn’t even about the many shady stories I heard about his history because they were in the past plus I did not hear it from himself. From the start, all I ever wanted was for him to genuinely care and like me, to spend time with me whenever he could. Those were the reasons I held on for so long in the first place. And there was no longer any point in carrying on since I was starting to lose those reasons. Never mind that I never got much of his time, but he was being such a jerk to me after everything I had given him and all that I have put up with or sacrificed just to be with him.

It’s unfair how I played by the rules and yet was still so unhappy most of the time. Was it because he was simply a shitty person or was it because I convinced myself that I didn’t need more even though I clearly wanted more? I never complained, nagged, whined or cried in front of him. I only briefly voiced my unhappiness that very one time and yet he basically just brushed me off. I never expected him to leave his family and never asked for more than he could give. I never demanded for more time and attention even though they were the only things I wanted. I didn’t need to be pampered like a princess with money, expensive gifts, high-end dining, luxury items  or even free rides. In fact, I never took anything from him. I was submissive and gave him whatever I wanted because I wanted to be the reason why he’s happy, but that was at the expense of my own happiness. Yet he took it all for granted and became an increasingly horrible jerk.

Just what did I do wrong? Why is it that nothing is ever enough for us selfish human beings? I guess I wasn’t good enough for him… And he couldn’t give me enough too.

This entry was posted on Friday, July 3rd, 2015 at 4:21 pm and is filed under Others. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

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