FAQ the past week: Are you okay?

Everyone probably knows the answer deep down but they ask anyway, I pretend that I’m fine, put on a smile and reply yes I’m okay, because I don’t know what else to say. Repeat repeat repeat.

It’s easy pretending since people usually ask in the day when I’m busy / working. Distracted and no time to let my thoughts run rampant. If you want a truthful answer, ask me at 3am. Throw some alcohol into the equation and you might even see the crying drunk.

I have a lot to write but was busy working the whole weekend. Four solo shifts in a row… Been spending more time than usual in the office as well. But this is good because work is truly the best distraction and my colleagues make me laugh.

– Peeta Mellark, Catching Fire

My biggest fear was always him leaving me, despite there being so much other shit that could go wrong (my concern over those was not even halfway as much). I even told him that he might get bored one day, but he was always skeptical.

So many times I had nightmares about it and once I even woke up crying because it felt so real. I remember that dream rather vividly because I typed it all down in my mobile diary app. In it, I broke down in public and begged him not to leave. Me, begging? Never told him about these dreams though.

Who would have thought that in the end, it was me who left (first)? Funny how life never quite turns out the way that you expect. Maybe part of the reason is because I was so scared that he would leave, I decided to go first. Yes it sounds stupid, but only because you don’t understand and I won’t explain.

In another entry, I wrote, “When a good dream leaves me more depressed than the bad ones.” Because while good, it wasn’t reality and was something that I could never have.

Rewatching this because it’s such a good show that I’ve never forgotten about it. The show that stirred my very first experience with wanderlust. Also cos I was looking for something to binge-watch and be emotionally invested in. Need an outlet to pour all my feelings into.

Honestly I feel like everything is so pointless these days. What’s the use of caring about stuff and being emotionally invested when at the end of the day, it’s not even worth it. All you get in return is pain and grief.

Was ranting to Jeremy about how Vampire Diaries wasted 6 freaking years of my life. I followed it throughout and was a walking encyclopedia about it. How I watched it at first because it was genuinely enjoyable and good, but later watched it only for Delena. Only for them to kill off Elena which means Delena doesn’t exist anymore and I will never see them together again. Is this fair???

Jeremy: But at least you were happy during the first few seasons.
Me: Are we still talking about the show.

Maybe I was talking in metaphors as usual. Mentioned that I feel like getting a guinea pig again so that I can smother it with love. But it’s so upsetting when pets die. More pointless emotional investment because everything ends someday and endings are always shit.

“There are no happy endings. Endings are the saddest part, So just give me a happy middle And a very happy start.” — Shel Silverstein

But honestly I feel like for so long, I gave up and put up with so much without complaint (never mind that he isn’t even aware of it), only for him to throw everything back in my face. For months, he consumed me and now that he’s no longer in my life, I feel so empty.

Not to sound bitchy but I also know I should try going out with other people, if only to distract myself or kill time. It’s not like nobody likes me… And all of them can offer me much more than he ever could and ever did. But they are not him. I’ll never feel the same and just upset myself even more by comparing so I don’t even want to try. It’s pointless.

But seriously, what is the point of anything???????????